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5 Phenomena That Will Occur While Waiting For CU NightRide To Pick You And Your Friends Up Already, Dammit

You’re way too drunk to even stumble home tonight, and because you played by the honor code and actually pitched $5 for cheap vodka and Keystones, you really shouldn’t spend the money to Uber home. You sigh and take out your phone, knowing what you have to do: Sign up for the queue of other drunken students waiting to be saved by CU NightRide. Average pickup time is currently an eternity, but waiting it out beats paying $7. Plus, the wait for CU NightRide won’t be too bad, because you can watch these 5 phenomenal events go by.

5.) Graduate from CU:

You’re bound to graduate within eternity, right? And after all the hard work and studying you put into finishing school, we got you a graduation present — your CU NightRide is here! Well, it will be in 90 minutes anyway.

4.) Watch CU’s live mascot change from Ralphie V to Ralphie VI:

We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the circle of life doesn’t stop even during the limbo period of waiting for CU NightRide. Ralphie VI is the new buff who storms Folsom Field, but no one can quite live up to the one we know and love now, Ralphie V.

3.) See CU’s campus slowly expand until the entirety of Boulder belongs to the university:

Is it really a surprise? CU’s main mission has always, first and foremost, been about making every building in Boulder made out of sandstone. To apologize for their horrid mishap of the Will Vill towers, while you were waiting CU bought the city and transformed it into a desert of sandstone (and no, they still haven’t installed air conditioning in the older buildings). Thanks CU!

2.) Nuclear war (??????):

The only thing to say here is let’s hope not.

1.) Pack up and go live on Mars:

That’s right—Elon Musk finally took civilization to Mars, and you decided to go along. But have no fear, CU NightRide can still pick you up a planet away, it will just be in millions of years. That’s not such a bad thing though, because you’re bound to watch some more phenomenal events go by.

CU NightRide can take one hell of a long time to pick you up, but it’s free, safe, and sometimes — sometimes, it will come to your aid before you graduate.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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