More exciting news for University of Colorado Buffs today! President Donald J. Trump has confirmed the legendary and beloved school mascot – Ralphie the Buffalo (who is really a bison) – as Secretary of Agriculture of the United States of America.
Not a month ago, it was also announced that Trump chose Neil Gorsuch – a visiting professor at CU Boulder – to fill the Supreme Court seat that sat vacant for almost a year after Antonin Scalia’s death. And just yesterday, Betsy DeVos was confirmed as Secretary of Education despite literally zero experience in public education. Despite all that, CU alumni and students alike are excited that another Buff will soon stampede the streets of D.C.
On what grounds or qualifications does Ralphie the Bison presume to take this position on? Well, there may be no clear answer, but following the rather unexpected choice to nominate an animal as Secretary of Agriculture, President Trump reassured the citizens of the country as gracefully and honestly as he knew how: “I mean, why the hell not? This giant prairie bull has brought so much joy, and happiness to this great country. Who better to control our means of production in the agricultural industry than an animal? I mean, c’mon folks, this thing loves grass! It eats grass every day. Nobody could eat grass better. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it.”
As far as Chancellor DiStefano is concerned, the university “…couldn’t be more ecstatic. Following the nomination of Neil Gorsuch, and now Ralphie, this shows our students, and our community, that quite anyone can end up in higher office. Don’t let your dreams be constrained, even if you’re an animal incapable of basic cognition.” DiStefano hoped Ralphie the best for her endeavors in office.
However, the president’s choice for an American buffalo to hold a seat in his cabinet has led some citizens to be skeptical. A local woman said, “The world doesn’t make too much sense anymore, so I’m not surprised.” A current CU sophomore asked, “How is Ralphie going to run at the football games if she’s overseeing food safety regulations?” Even one concerned citizen wondered, “How could the President even communicate with Ralphie? Will they use Morse code? Or is Ralphie’s handwriting good enough? Does it even matter? I mean, it’s not like he’s actually going to listen to anyone he nominates.”
Program Manager of the Ralphie Live Mascot Program – John Graves – confirmed that the trainers “…indeed do not give Ralphie writing, nor penmanship, nor English lessons. She is a bison.”
It is unclear what Ralphie’s plans are for when she takes office. Quite frankly, most of what she says is unclear. However, despite her lack of preparedness, her nomination seems to have stirred less controversy than the nomination of Betsy Devos as Secretary of Education, while their experience in both of their fields is comparatively the same.
It seems all we can say at this point is, “Good luck Ralphie.” We hope this position ends up making sense for her, and that “bison in the room” jokes are told at a minimum while she’s in office. God help us all, and ‘sko buffs.
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