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CU Funds Religious Studies Research to Find Funding for Religious Studies Has Declined


CU announced earlier in the spring semester that funding for religious studies research would increase from the zero dollars that had already been allocated to the department. Religious studies’ majors are ecstatic about the newly awarded grants in the hope that this will keep one of the world’s oldest fields alive. The general study of religion dates back to Hecataeus of Miletus around 500 BCE. A recent survey of 2,500 Americans revealed that 84% said that an increase in funding for religious studies would have a beneficial outcome on the quality of education that students receive. This is the only logical and rational step for progress in academia just like teaching creationism, studying homeopathic “medicine,” or astrology.


CU’s study was published last Friday in the Journal of Antiquated Stuff that No One Cares About rounding out their four-month and $5 million research initiative. The study concluded from a meta-analysis of over 150 other studies, that since 1985, religious studies research funding has decreased nationwide by about 57%. The research team says that these finding have enormous implications and invoke other critical questions such as discovering new ways to get money from universities to conduct research and how to revive the nation’s interest in the study of religion. While researchers say the answers to these questions would take about another $15 million and two years to complete, they think it’s certainly a feasible project.


“Oh God of course we’ll take it, but I have no clue what to do with it,” one professor said in response to the $5 million grant. “We’ll do the research but I doubt anyone will be interested in our findings, myself included.”


Prior to collectively deciding to study the trend of funding for religious studies nationally, researchers had a long list of other topics that instantly came to mind. Such topics include how religion has shaped the country’s moral landscape, what lessons can we learn from religion, what purpose does religion serve in the 21st Century, and does prayer actually have an observable or empirical effect. These ideas were quickly scrapped because scholars feared that they would produce nihilistic results.


“Prayer doesn’t work, religion doesn’t give one morals, there’s not many lessons we can learn from religion that we can’t already learn from other aspects of life such as philosophy, science, sociology, psychology, and anthropology,” said Moses Abraham, CU professor of religious studies and a member of the research team. “So choosing any other topic than the one we did would produce negative results and I hate negative shit, especially when it comes to my field of study. God Bless.”


Other universities in the Colorado area were shocked by the large grant given for research. Naropa University located in Boulder which literally no one knows exists and can’t even be confirmed that it’s an accredited institution boasts that its extremely diverse and expansive degree offerings make it more of a qualified candidate to publish credible and rigorous religious studies research. Very few take this shot at CU’s credibility seriously, most students at Naropa don’t even take their own university seriously. Naropa offers the most relevant and important majors in the 21st Century such as Peace Studies, Art Therapy, Traditional Eastern Arts, Marijuana Cultivation, Vegan Studies, and Recycling which is an actual major.


“How can CU be funding such an irrelevant department?! As a professor of such an esteemed field, I find this an atrocity!” said Galaxy Midnight Banjo, Naropa professor of Recycling and Marijuana Cultivation.


Soon-to-be published studies from other departments at CU include How to Prepare for a Nuclear Holocaust assuming a Trump Presidency, Could Prayers Fix the Gun Control Issue in America, How do Politicians Get Paid to do Nothing, and finally Did ISIS Arise from Centuries-long Warfare between Sunni and Shia sects or Simply because Bad Guys Like to do Bad Things. All this and more slated to be published in the fall.


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