People are all the same, irresponsible drunks who manage to lose their jackets while partying on a freezing cold winter night. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep’s team of survival experts have staying warm without clothes down to a drunken science.
10.) Drink More Whiskey:
Lots of scientists will try to explain why drinking booze actually makes you more cold, but they are just haters. Everybody knows that whiskey warms you up (unless of course all that drinking is the reason you lost your coat). Be sure to always have a shot or six before leaving the house.
9.) Wear a flag:
People leave these colorful blankets outside for readers of The Black Sheep to wear home. Yank on the rope that is keeping this blanket warm and dry over the cold snow, and wrap yourself up like a burrito.
8.) Start running:
The drunken run not only gets you wherever you need to be faster, but it also warms you up. As an added plus, this is also the only suggestion we can give you that has scientific theory to back it up, so take that with a grain of salt.
7.) Set a couch on fire:
Who doesn’t love the warmth of a fire in winter? Not only will this instantly start a party in the street, but the cops might even let you spend the night in a warm jail cell. Check around the dumpsters for one of the spare couches that people moving in and out of Boulder always leave behind.
6.) Always have hand warmers in your pockets:
These little puppies always come in handy. They hand out hand warmers for free at ski resorts, so go complain about your pass and pick some up. Just don’t leave them in the pockets of your coat, because you’ve already lost that.
5.) Be that kid who’s always wearing a beanie:
While many hipsters wear beanies in the summer time, they were originally designed for winter. It’s also a great place to keep mini bottles of whiskey for some last minute liquid courage.
4.) Wear a garbage bag:
You may look, and smell, and be treated like a homeless person, but at least you’ll be warm. If you’re lucky, somebody might give you their loose change.
3.) Have a random hookup with someone walking home:
As long as there is somebody walking home, there is a place to sleep. Sure, you don’t know anything about this potential serial killer, but at least you will be warm again for five minutes.
2.) Go to Smelly Deli:
They are open 24/7, so you can stop in for a warm-up break at any time. Plus, you can grab drunchies while you are there, and skip the whole making food thing when you get home.
1.) Break into somebody’s house:
Nothing says, “I’m cold” like Breaking and Entering. Sure, a homeowner once shot a drunk CU student trying to pull this one off, but that was probably because he didn’t read The Black Sheep. We bet he also didn’t leave a flag blanket outside of his house. Some people are just assholes.
Ending up in the cold without a jacket can actually kill you, so don’t lose your jacket! But at least now if you do, The Black Sheep has given you some very helpful, if not a little bit illegal tips to stay warm out there.