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The Unwritten Rules of Avoiding Cops on the Hill

Drunks walking around the Hill usually slap on a sober face and keep their eyes to the ground when cops show up. It turns out, that’s exactly what they expect a drunk person like yourself would do. So, we spent the night ponied up with a horse cop and asked him the best ways to avoid getting an MIP on the Hill. 

6.) Definitely hide in that bush:
Cops are known to be blind as bats; that’s why they’re always wearing dad sunglasses. If you quickly run over to that two-foot tall bush in your homies’ backyard, you’ll definitely escape the officer’s field of vision. And while you’re waiting for your life to end, drop those trousers and take a squat. Shit is the bug repellent of the law enforcement world, that’s why you never see cops poop. Like, have you ever seen a cop poop? Didn’t think so. 

5.) Stand in the middle of the street yelling about how f#&ked up you are:
Basically, run out to the middle of the road to block traffic. Once you have the attention of all the pissed off drivers, tell your bff Becky that you’ve never been so drunk in your entire life. Cops, generally, stick to the sidewalks and hate loud noises, so they’ll leave you alone.

4.) Never leave your Solo cup:
That bright red and radiant Solo cup is your best friend at every party; that’s why you should never put it down if you decide to go party hopping. Instead, grab two cups and right before you leave fill both of them to the brim. If a cop asks what you’re sipping on, shove that cup of Burnett’s mixed with Hennessy right in his face to show him that you’re not a scared little freshman. Only the bold respect the bold.

3.) Stand in front of the Fox:
Cops HATE vagabonds. They smell, they don’t have a home, and have recently been encroaching upon the Hill. The front of the Fox is basically Boulder’s outdoor bum zone. You can find everything there: a guy playing a two-stringed guitar, a dog of twenty  breeds, a woman with dreads down to her Birkenstocks, and a collage of ~1 million cigarette butts on the ground. This is the last place the po po will look. So if you find your drunk self approaching some cops, just piss your pants, burn some cigarettes in your arm, mash your hair, talk about “riding the rails” and blend in.

2.) Try to lick the ground:
Nothing says “I’m hammered out of my mind,” like doing normal people stuff. Gather every ounce of sobriety that you have left and get on your hands and knees. It’s as simple as that and just lick away. At worst you’ll look like a cow but most likely an officer will just mistake you for a dirty granola yogi. It’s fun and your whole friend group can get involved. Even better! You will be a pack of wolves that no one will mess with.

1.) Walk home with a frat guy:
Congrats! You made it to your last party without being arrested and given an MIP. Now it’s time to make the best decision of your life and head home for the night. Interlock fingers with your best bro and skip backwards as quickly as possible. Cops love affluent looking white dudes, so you’re in good company. His daddy’s probably a lawyer, so the cop will avoid any of that nonsense at all costs. 

Next time you’re on the Hill and drunk — which the two typically go hand in hand — grab the hand of a bro and start licking the ground. No cops will mess with you, and you’ll graduate MIP free!


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