The Republican GOP came to our cozy mountain campus of CU yesterday, and naturally, things got strange. Dark clouds formed over the flatirons, and helicopters were circling the campus, looking for any kid who might try to steal Trump’s Toupee. Check out the weirdest things we found on campus during the time of the debate.
Firstly, more police were on campus than actual students. They were clearly visible on every street corner and outside of the buildings, walking side by side to take up a whole sidewalk, mad dogging anybody with a skateboard, wearing tie-dye or just generally under the age of 50. It felt like an oddly-relaxed version of 1984 was happening, where most of the officers really just wanted to sit on a curb and eat Firehouse subs, which is mainly what we saw them do.
There was a sudden influx of students wearing camouflage on campus. If this doesn’t seem strange to you, it is probably because you’re wearing camouflage right now you weirdo!
Beneath a cloud of weed smoke and hippy music, a protest was happening. A large blown up elephant that had the word, “racist” written along its side was in the middle of a large group of people. At the time of us walking through, they were having a lot of trouble trying to make it stand up.
Tons of kids who wanted to seem more Republican were walking around in suits. This isn’t because they were involved in the debate in anyway, or had somewhere important to be afterwards, but actually to cover up their cyborg machinery.
All of the 100 hand-picked students (from our cache of 30,265) actually got to see the debate as part of the crowd. In place of seats within Coors Events Centers’ 11,064 seating capacity, the debate was live streamed to screens inside of the UMC. To be fair though, they did have some free food for the students (but sadly no beer).
Oh yeah, and then there was this van, which we can only assume carried a small army of demon cyborg schoolgirls:
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