Unless you’re a grade-A lameo or an alien who loves being restricted by establishment, you probably never read CU’s Code of Conduct. And there’s really no need- it’s pretty self-explanatory, even to the average jabroni in Sig Pi: don’t do anything illegal, don’t do anything stupid, don’t do anything that makes CU look bad, and don’t grill up a mean filet mignon for date night with boo in your residence hall dorm room. Just because you signed your name that you read it doesn’t necessarily mean you should be held accountable for following it, because nobody read it, right? Well, we read it, and chances are, you’re breaking some important rule. Here are the five most common things that you didn’t know you were doing wrong, according to CU’s Code of Conduct.
5.) Using CU Wi-Fi to run your beverage startup:
You went to yoga on the quad one time, made friends with some yogis, and before you knew it you had been roped into a Kombucha business and have 47 gallons of fermenting tea in your bathtub. Another 6 weeks and you’ll bottle that shit up and sell it for some sweet sweet moolah so you can buy some new art supplies. Score. CU loves money- but they love when they have it, not when you have it. That’s why they prohibit the use of their precious UCB Wireless for your moneymaking purposes, because they’re too busy using it for their moneymaking purposes. And no, you sly one, you- it’s not allowed on UCB Guest, either.
4.) Hiding in your dorm room closet when the fire alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and it’s hailing outside:
It’s Tuesday morning, and you hit the vape pen a little too hard last night while watching 12 Years A Slave in your sort-of hookup buddy’s dorm room. The homies rolled through and shit got crazy- now its 6 a.m., your law-abiding roommate is already standing outside in his boxers and your slippers, it’s the middle of January and ice is literally falling from the sky, and you already know that you won’t be able to fall back asleep if you get go outside now. No biggie, right? Wrong. Major biggie. See, it’s the principle of the thing- CU expects you to follow its orders, even if you’re halfway through a major Adderall and coffee shit in the HLMS basement. What if it was a real fire? You’d spend all of eternity in the afterlife wondering why the fuck you didn’t listen.
3.) Calling CUPD because D2L is down and you’ve got to submit to Dropbox ASAP:
You just panic-wrote a two-page paper on the life and legacy of Ann Frank because you (understandably) forgot about it, and if you don’t submit it in the next 10 minutes, you are literally going to die. Your grade will go from the green highlight to the blue highlight and, yep, you can just kiss getting into med school goodbye. Your mind is filled with questions: Why did I wait until the last minute? What should I do? How is a website that literally has scheduled maintenance every 5 seconds this shitty? This is an emergency if you’ve ever seen one. You need help. You need a hero. Well, don’t fucking bother CUPD- they’ve got an MIP quota to reach before midnight with no time for your nonsense. Try OIT (just kidding, that won’t help).
2.) Tossing some of those lemon cookies to your homie in the C4C:
You’ve just finished a delicious and nutritious burrito dinner prepared by a sophomore with gauges and score- the dessert station is stocked with those delicious lemon cookies. But- bummer- you forgot your Tupperware. But your friend Brad senses your dilemma from his perch by the Asian Station and is all, “Yo dude, throw me the rock,” which you assume means that he agrees to sneak some lemon cookies out for you. You toss him the first rock and before it even reaches him, Phillip DiStefano appears, catches the cookie with one hand, and crushes it to bits, along with your hopes and dreams of a midnight snack in your dorm room. If Phillip lets you throw a few cookies to your homie, then pretty soon everyone’s going to be throwing desserts, and the C4C will descend into a state of anarchy. Bet you don’t want to throw that cookie now, do you.
1.) Killing that spider living between your window pane and the screen:
The weather’s getting nice and the stank in your dungeon of an apartment could benefit greatly from some fresh Colorado air. You’re enjoying the breeze on your couch, but are getting sketched out by the shady-ass daddy longlegs that is staring into your soul. You decide that the only reasonable solution is to kill it. This spider needs to die. But- surprise! – A professor walks by your house and catches you doing the deed. You have a bad feeling about this- you straight up roasted this guy on the FCQ last semester, and they always say the answers are anonymous, but you always felt like he knew. The next morning, a faculty member hands you a letter stating you were expelled for endangering an animal. Vindication.
Got plans to break the CU Code of Conduct this weekend? Think again. CU has eyes everywhere- in the stacks, in the Rec, even in your house, man. CU is like big brother, and you are a person who never actually read 1984.
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