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Wardenburg Copes With Annual Post-Spring Break STD Influx

Instagram pics aren’t the only thing CU Boulder students are bringing back to campus this March. Wardenburg Health Center reports that students coming back from #Cabo are complaining en masse of that infamous “itch that can’t be scratched”- upon questioning, they confessed to humping whatever moved after they downed their fifth margarita. This has resulted in an epidemic of campus cases of STI’s, or as frat guys call it, “just evidence of a fucking good time, bro.”

Spring breaker Brad Englewood says, “It was like CU Cabo down there bro! Bitches and shots… at least I think they were bitches. Either way, I got it in. I might have even slept with the maid.”

Needless to say, Englewood now has the clap.

Wardenburg says they put out as many free and shitty condoms before break as they could, but this colorful array of skittle-looking dick gloves were not enticing enough for students to wrap up before diving into the deep end. Students were too interested in the free cold care kits to worry about sexual health in their dirty swim suits- and dirty minds.

“We see this every year,” Wardenburg nurse Susan Boyd continues, “It’s the same shit with these kids. I’m sure they wouldn’t raw dog it if they knew their piss would sting like acid afterwards. We just don’t know how to reach them.”

Wipe any seat you sit in on this week- it is bound to be riddled with something caught on a Cabo beach, and we’re not talking about the fish. 

 

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