It’s typical for weather to be unpredictable in Colorado. However, last week when it was 70 degrees in the middle of goddamn February, students in Boulder couldn’t help but raise their eyebrows and ask “Where’s the snow, man?” So, here’s a collection of the most convincing snowspiracy theories that just may send you into the twilight zone:
6.) The Earth is sending a message about white supremacy:
Come on guys – Mother Earth is obviously fed up with our racism. Planning on anything white to fall from the sky soon? Not a chance. It seems that once we cut the bullshit, and check our privilege, we’ll get the snow we’ve been waiting for. It’s simple really: if we bring the heat, we gotta take the heat.
5.) CU meteorologists created a system to assure no snow days:
Hoping for another snow day during finals? The meteorology departments says “LOL.” Word has it that graduate school Buffs led a project to create a device – an anti-precipitation force field – which sits at the top of the Flatirons and projects its signal across miles, to ensure no snow crosses the barrier. Some people have called the idea “stupid” and “a waste of a million dollars.” In fact, everyone thinks it’s stupid. Everyone.
It’s no coincidence that we’re back to this theory. If beings from outer space wanted to aggravate Boulder hippies, taking away our snow is the way to do it. If only we had ample technology to reverse their control. Or we could try talking it out, like MLK would have wanted. While human and alien alike make amends, we could also ask them to beam Donald Trump to the 4th dimension.
3.) There’s a coke shortage in Boulder:
It only makes sense that the weather in Boulder mirrors the drug tendencies in the area. St. Patrick’s Day weekend? Rain. 420? Slightly cloudy. No yayo? No snowo. This also raises the questions: what could Greek life be doing? Don’t they know their cocaine addictions are key to accumulation? Snow selfish.
2.) That Punxsutawney Phil prick is planning world domination:
Not two weeks ago, the weather-predicting groundhog that every American is strangely obsessed with predicted there would be six more weeks of winter, but how can he expect us to buy it? That underground bastard has undoubtedly been playing people for years. Would you trust his distant cousin, the rat? Obviously, he’s testing the waters of what Americans can believe. Next thing you know, he’ll be predicting Superman will be the next President of the United States, and the American people would rejoice. We’re watching you Phil – we’re always watching.
1.) The Earth is slowly getting warmer:
Definitely not as believable as a rodent who eats insects, but could it be that the Earth is slowly rising in temperature each year? Not just in Colorado, but all around the globe. A type of warming, perhaps? Scientists have been pushing this conspiracy for years, but the American people have remained negligent. The snow may be disappearing, but there is no way it’s OUR fault. It seems to be a liberal ploy to make us feel bad for our actions, but in the words of Scottie P., “No ragrets.”
Well, there you have it. Absolutely the only possible explanations for the snow shortage plaguing our city. It is up to us to choose how to handle the situation. Should we riot? Protest? Why not, everyone’s doing it nowadays. Either way, we as a people need to open our eyes, and realize this snow shortage is no product of the natural world, but some sketchy shit is going on.
Speaking of Flatirons, the only shirt you need on Powder Day: