Delaware’s incoming freshmen will be the largest class of students who didn’t get into their dream school in the university’s history, according to a recent admissions report. A distinction once held by the class of 2017, the new student body is expected to be half as enthused about their homecoming as the class of 2016.
“Yeah I’m excited to move into Rodney,” said incoming freshman Tyler Gates. “But excited in the way that shopping with your dad is exciting. You don’t necessarily want to go, but you know you’ll get something you need. Like socks. Moving to Delaware is like buying a pair of socks.”
According to a survey students took when finalizing their applications last fall, this class also shows remarkable ability in giving up their aspirations and realizing that sometimes, you just have to settle.
“If you told me in the fall that I’d get accepted to UD, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But if you told me I’d be going here? Well, I would have gone out in my yard and buried my box of childhood dreams” said incoming freshman Alyssa Reese. “Oh, this dirt? It’s nothing. No dirt. Just, uh, working on my garden or something.”
Students from around the tri-state area applied to an average of ten schools and received admittance into an average of six.
“UD is so much greater than JMU, but it’s not better than UPenn, ya feel?” responded incoming freshman Rose Cralor. “I applied to mostly easy schools to validate my success as a student, but receiving bids from only shitty schools doesn’t make a girl feel good. So yeah, that’s how I ended up here. I have self-confidence issues.”
“’Butler,’ ’Harvard,’ ‘Columbia,’ ‘Somewhere Far Far Away That’s Not In Delaware Please’ — we have a wide range of listed dream schools from our survey. The sad thing is, these students aren’t getting accepted,” said admissions officer Brianna Moore. “They don’t have a college home, and it breaks my heart. So, we stretched our resources a little bit and spread our blue-feathered arms to accept more and more students!”
The stretched resources do not appear to be a concern for President Patrick Harker and his administration, who celebrated the record class size by promptly welcoming the students.
“Here at UD we accept everyone mostly, and this large, diverse class proves it. We welcome a range of characters. And intelligence. Smart money. East coast classic. And the last one. Thank you, go class of 2018,” said Harker.
The large class size is reportedly affecting housing and has created a new living style.
“Because of the overwhelming demand for the University of Delaware’s internationally-renowned education, select students in our Honors Program will be put in an ‘enhanced living’ room with two other freshmen,” said Kathleen Kerr, Executive Director of Residence Life and Housing. “This unique program will foster rapid community development and peer-to-peer mentorship. In fact, we like the program so much we’ve decided to include half of the 600 Honors students in it!”
“I thought we ran out of housing and had to stick a bunch of kids in triples,” said Senior Associate Director Jim Tweedy.
“Holy shit Jim, I told you to shut up.”
For the students themselves, the next four years remain wide-open with possibility.
“Maybe I’ll transfer, who knows,” said Cralor. “But probably most likely I’ll get lazy and stay here.”