It’s been a couple years, but St. Patrick’s Day at UD is linked with one of the most infamous events to ever take place in Newark: The Grottos Dumpster Fuck. A tale as old as time, a couple that was celebrating the holiday at UD’s favorite bar just couldn’t wait and decided to go all out (—or in?) during broad daylight. This is how we covered the matter 4 years ago:
The Fuck of the Irish happened Newark yesterday. More and more people are hearing about this picture that is floating around of two people banging behind Grotto. We hit the streets to find out what ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
If you look at the picture, you’ll notice a couple making love surrounded by these beautiful metal dumpsters. We had a hunch to question some of the homeless people down the street from Grotto, at the skanky Dunkin’ Donuts. We showed them the picture, and one of them spoke up. “Yeah, I saw what happened,” his name was Vince, “us homeless people were celebrating St. Patty’s Day here at Dunkin’ Donuts. We were taking shots of green Listerine to get in the holiday spirit. And then I got hungry. I walked out back to the dumpsters to get a snack, and what I saw was two kids bumping uglies. I thought, man, that guy was hung like a Salvation Army change bucket. Her tits hanged like bagpipes, boy did I wanna play ‘Danny Boy’ on those things. They saw me but kept goin’ anyway. They musta been drinkin’ the good stuff, Natural Light…” He looked off in the distance, remembering the days of drinking actual alcohol.
Another homeless man spoke up, “I haven’t seen people doin’ the dirty like that since ‘Nam. You know, we’d get these Vietnamese prostitutes and we’d keep them in our foxholes with us. She reminded me of them. Man she was dirty, like real dirty. I asked her for some change while they were doin’ it, because ya never know, and she actually reached into her vagina and pulled some out, just like the old days in Nam. In that picture you showed me, she’s actually using her right arm to pull some change out of her vagina for me. I must have the luck of the Irish!”
Sources tell us that the girl doesn’t even go to UD, she goes to Penn State. Surprisingly, UD girls actually look up to her. Tara Diedrich, a senior who was drinking a beer on Grotto’s deck when it happened, praised her. “I mean, the guy’s not that bad, and I like her shoes. Public sex is actually one of my secret fantasies, for many women as well, we all want to be bent over a rusty rail and plowed from behind by dumpsters in broad daylight. I’m just glad a girl showed self-respect and actually did it, girl power!”
Eyewitnesses say that they cannot tell whether the guy was wearing a condom, because his genitalia was not large enough to reveal itself during the front and back gyrations. Kirk Powell, a 15 year old who goes to Newark High School, was riding his bike when it happened. “I smelt fish and heard clapping sounds by the dumpsters behind Grotto, I followed the smell and noise and couldn’t believe my eyes, I thought, ‘real porn!’ It made me feel better because I always thought that every guy has a really big dick like in porn, turns out mine was dick is bigger than that guy’s; can’t wait to tell my friends at school on Monday.”
Should they be deeply embarrassed or welcoming of their newfound fame? That is for you to decide. It is still refreshing to see UD uphold its St. Patty’s day wildness, and remember, The Black Sheep’s got you covered.
Read the original here.
Need something to help pregame for St. Paddy’s? Try our Vine Power Hour: