This fall marks the arrival of a seemingly infinitesimal amount of swarming, gregarious, and migratory imagoes that promise to devastate the local food supply and wreak havoc upon the surrounding community. But we’re not talking about a plague of desert locusts; we’re talking about the incoming University of Delaware Class of 2019. Infesting a new institution of higher education can be intimidating for anyone, but fear not! The Black Sheep is here to lend you some insider secrets in order to make the best of the four years that your parents will be skipping meals to afford your entomology degree.
5.) Underperforming? Consider Yourself Sacrificed:
Academic probation is never a fun phrase to have written on your transcript. Most schools set the bar for performance at a minimum of around a 2.0 GPA; however, since the University of Delaware always Dares to Be First™, there is a new policy taking effect this fall that mandates that each student attain a GPA of at least a 3.9.
According to UD Interim President Nancy Walmartt, this new policy should not be taken lightly; students who fail to meet this simple criterion face consequences. Specifically, underachieving Blue Hens will be thrown into the now-exposed massive volcano that once lied underneath where West Campus. Many names for this boiling pit of molten rock and tarnished expectations have been suggested thus far. However, UD plans to name it after the original crater of prolonged disappointment and failure on campus: the University of Delaware football team.
The Fightin’ Blue Hens Department of Academic Underachievement opens this fall.
4.) Greek Life Doesn’t Just Mean Fraternities and Sororities, φίλος μου:
When most students hear the phrase “Greek,” they think of the numerous fraternities and sororities in which students at the University of Delaware can become involved. What most people outside of so-called “Greek life” don’t know is that rushing a fraternity or sorority actually requires thorough knowledge of and fluency in the Greek language.
Brothers and sisters, or “αδέρφια and αδερφές” as many affectionately call them, must be able to speak Greek completely fluently if they are offered a position in one of these secret societies. A lack of proficiency in the language results in hazing in the form of week-long sermons about Aristotelian philosophy, after which prospective brothers or sisters are tied to the beloved Gyro Cart and pushed down the hill on New London Road.
The Black Sheep recommends you take some Greek classes before considering rushing if you don’t want to smell like asphalt and pita bread.
3.) Exotic Pets Are Allowed and Encouraged in Dorm Rooms:
Many schools don’t permit incoming freshmen to own and care for pets in their rooms for sanitary and allergenic reasons. However, at the University of Delaware, pets are not only permitted in dorms, they’re highly encouraged! In its mission to increase diversity at UD, the vice provost has gone beyond fostering more racial diversity and is now calling for more biodiversity on campus.
This effort to increase representation for exotic animals on campus has been lauded by the Philadelphia Zoo, which has pledged its support by offering each student an animal of their choice as a pet. Blue Hens may pick from the smallest pygmy marmoset to the largest hippopotamus to keep them company in their dorm room. Freshmen have been especially encouraged to become exotic pet owners in order to alleviate any roommate conflicts they might encounter.
Pets are also allowed to serve as proxies by attending lectures in place of their owners, especially in attendance-mandatory courses. The Vice Provost hopes that this initiative will allow every species to receive equal representation in the classroom, even if most pets can’t comprehend the course material or the English language as a whole. Just don’t let your lemur shit on the desk, though. That’s your job, buddy.
2.) Keeping a Close Relationship with Professors is Key:
Everyone knows that having a solid set of connections is what makes or breaks a student’s chances at landing an internship, research position, or future job. Establishing a good rapport with your professors from early on in the semester is critical if you’re looking for opportunities down the road, and, per the advice of the staff at New Student Orientation, many students will frequent office hours and ask questions in class in order to establish this rapport.
However, what NSO Leaders won’t tell you is being close with your professors doesn’t just end at office hours. If you really want that research position, or that glowing letter of recommendation, you need to be physically close to your professor at ALL TIMES. In office hours, try sitting on your professor’s lap rather than in the chair on the other side of the desk. During lecture, don’t just sit in the front row; stand within an arm’s length of your professor throughout the lecture and follow him or her around the room if need be.
If you’re worried about slipping under your professor’s radar, try emitting a small but sudden yelp if he or she doesn’t look in your general direction for more than seven seconds. Instead of going back to your dorm when lecture ends, follow your professor to wherever their next destination may be, even if it’s to the bathroom stall. Offer to wipe for them if you’re looking to boost your grade by a point or two.
1.) What’s That Smell? Well, It’s Your Mom:
It is not uncommon at random intervals during the semester to smell an acerbic, harsh odor that seems to penetrate every square foot of the town of Newark. The origin of this acidic aroma has been speculatively attributed to various sources, including mushroom farms in Pennsylvania, manure stockpiles on South Campus, and chicken farms in northern Delaware. Whatever its origin may be, it smells like Satan’s asshole. Yet, in spite of the rumors and campus conspiracy theories, the true origin of this smell comes from your mom. Yes, your mom.
Various research studies conducted (yet never published) by UD’s Department of Environmental Science have discovered that, at random points during the school year, each UD student’s mother’s putrid body odor escapes from her vicinity as an amorphous cloud of gas and is released into the upper atmosphere. At this point, the gaseous mass combines with the odors of other students’ moms, forming a thirty-mile wide slightly green cloud that smells God-awful. This cloud, dubbed a “cumulomombus” by some meteorologists, inexplicably defies the jet stream and makes its way to the University of Delaware like a barrage of heat-seeking missiles, after which it lingers for the longest 24 hours of everyone’s lives.
Most people will blame the scent on some type of farm, but with this knowledge, you’ll be able to stop the spread of misinformation by correctly telling people their moms smell like shit.
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