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The 5 Stages of Coming to Terms With the Impending School Year

 

Whether you’re aware of it or not, the school year is inching closer to us than a sweaty frat guy in the basement of a shitty house on Cleveland. It’s not easy to deal with the big change that the upcoming semester will bring us, so here are the 5 stages that we all go through before accepting the inevitable.

 

 

Stage 1.) Denial:

 

Stage 1

 

Much like your Blue Hen peers troubled by rapidly approaching deadlines for things you haven’t even thought about starting, your first instinct is to refuse to acknowledge the urgency of the situation. This is the stage where you put off back-to-school prep and watch hours of that soul-sucking British show that your cousin recommended.

 

 

Stage 2.) Anger:

 

Stage 2

 

This is the stage where you ask yourself “where the fuck did my summer go? I didn’t even do any of the nothing that I planned to do.” Common ways of dealing with this stage include ripping apart Wingrave’s bullshit lab packets, yelling at inanimate objects, and punching yourself repeatedly in the face.

 

 

Stage 3.) Bargaining:

 

Stage 3

 

No, this stage does not refer to trying to get good back-to-school deals. This stage is about desperation. This is usually the part where you seek out some higher power, magician, or politician who can perhaps promise you longer UDAGE weekends and shorter school days. In the end you might contemplate selling your body for money instead of continuing with your higher education, but that’s an article for a different time.

 

 

Stage 4.) Depression:

 

Stage 4

 

The sadness settles in and despair takes over. During this stage you’ll find yourself at some point reenacting the shower scene from Selena Gomez’s Good For You. But instead of seductively dancing in the shower, you’ll be atrociously sobbing by the drain biting on your iClicker to reduce the pain.

 

 

Stage 5.) Acceptance:

 

Stage 5

 

By the time you reach this stage it’ll be mid November and you’ll realize that half the semester has flown by, you failed your midterms, and it’s too late to change your major. You will finally accept it after suffering a dignified mental breakdown involving a drunk phone call to your mother and a box of butterscotch krimpets.

Now that you know, and can anticipate the stages of coming to terms with the approaching semester, we hope that you are able to handle yourself like an adult and reach the drunken phone call home phase by late October.

 

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