It’s also been nearly a year since the greatest thing to ever come out of Newark, Joe Biden, has left the White House. During his vice presidency, fellow blue hens couldn’t help but to feel a special connection with the world’s cutest ice cream lover since they shared, or will share in the future (well, maybe not considering midterm grades), the same alma mater. In contrast, it was a glum day on campus for many when the results of the 2016 election got out. We can only imagine the kind of destruction that our school would have been left with if Donald Trump were a UD alum.
5.) R.I.P. Towson Tiger:
Anyone who’s seen Donald Trump’s Twitter knows how much he likes barking at America’s enemies. Who’s to say he wouldn’t propagate a similar tirade against UD’s number one rival? The dumb tiger even had the nerve to steal his name. Watch out, Donald the Tiger. You’re about to get trumped.
4.) UD, home of the Toupees:
Instead of the fuckboy chop (shaved on sides, long on top), Chad from PΣΣ would be sporting a tasteful toupee (can those two words go together?) that he has to hold against his head with one hand while shot gunning a Natty Light with the other at this weekend’s Bella dage. Don’t worry though, the jersey-over-sweatshirt look and Vineyard Vines Whale can still stay.
3.) No transfer students allowed:
A transfer student is basically an immigrant in school-terms. If you had to go to Villa-no-fun or Towson because of financial/life prospects, that’s your own fault. No foreign hens allowed!
2.) Goodbye Biden Institute, hello Trump wall:
The new landmark addition to UD’s School of Public Policy and Administration, the Biden Institute, would be no more. Instead, in lieu of the historic Wright-House-turned-Institute, there would just be a big wall, blocking out any transfer students from illegally sneaking into lovely, scenic Newark.
1.) No President Assanis announcements about diversity:
Instead of an email that says “Diversity” 100 times in different colors, UD’s own Assanis would have thought that orange spray-tanning people with “covfefe” as they tried to walk to class would be a more appropriate attempt at reaching out to his students. Complaints about ruined clothes wouldn’t matter – the president already has a separate message prepared for that: “despite the constant negative press covfefe.”
So, reassure yourself as you reminisce on the year since Trump’s presidency could have been worse. Way worse. Instead of a bad-hair-having, Dorito-complexioned, probably-doesn’t-like-ice-cream-that-much Twitter-terrorist as our campus-wide role model, we thankfully have fatherly, adorable, definitely-loves-ice-cream Joe Biden.