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How to Curb Your Extreme Attraction to UD During the Summer


Once you’ve gotten a taste of the Blue Hen lifestyle, getting through summer break is almost impossible. No matter where you are, you’re guaranteed to be let down compared to the East Coast Classic we call home. Nothing will ever compare to sardine-packed busses, and even laying on the beach reminds you of the warm sand thrown about the Harrington Turf on an unseasonably warm February afternoon. We know it can be hard to stay away, so here are some ways you can suppress all that Delaware love until the summer ends.


5.) Burn Your UD Merch in a Campfire:
There’s no better way to kick off summer than around a roaring fire. One of the perks of being a Blue Hen is the sheer abundance of free merchandise thrown in your face at every turn. Besides months of free kindling, burning your UD apparel is the perfect way to keep those Delaware daydreams out of your head. No more daily reminders that Biden is back and you still aren’t.


4.) Release a Truckload of Hornets on I-95:
The Delaware stretch of I-95 is known for some bizarre spillages that have wreaked havoc on commuters and UD students alike. It’s unlikely anyone will think too much into another interstate calamity, so this is a good course of action to distance yourself from Delaware. Toppling crates full of honeybees has already been done, so it’s time to up the ante. Round up millions of your deadliest local hornets and provide them a nice new home at Exit 3. Your neighbors will be grateful and now you have a really good reason to stay the hell away from UD.


3.) File a Restraining Order Against President Ass-Anus:
If you really want your summer to be as Delaware-free as possible, you might as well make it a legal issue. It’s likely you’ve had a campus encounter that would qualify as grounds for a restraining order against the University, so why not capitalize? Now that you’ve made it a legal obligation to keep your sorry ass away from UD, your family, friends, and the police will go to great lengths to keep you from violating those restrictions.


2.) Get Deported:
This one’s easy enough. Whatever president you’re trying to distance yourself from, deportation is a surefire way to ensure you’re in control of your summer. Channel your inner Kathy Griffin and make it count. You’ll be out of the country (and far away from Delaware) in no time.


1.) Drop Out:
When all else fails, there’s always an emergency “eject” button at your disposal. If you still find yourself waking up hungover on New London, despite starting to drink somewhere in New York, there’s little hope for you. It might be best for your wellbeing this summer to take the L. Sometimes quitting cold turkey is the solution to a UD addiction.


Coping with Delaware-Induced Separation Anxiety can be difficult. With any hope, some of these options could relieve you of some of your worst symptoms. Enjoying your summer isn’t impossible; there are a lot of miles between you and UD, and now you can finally try to keep it that way.


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