Let’s all stop denying it: finals are coming. Guess it’s time to put down the shots and open the books, right? WRONG!!! On behalf of dying students all throughout UD, The Black Sheep took it upon ourselves to search throughout campus for the best shrines to sacrifice your soul to this finals season for one last chance at an A. You haven’t touched a single textbook this entire semester, so why start now? End your semester strong by instead worshiping these sacred shrines (with special demonstrations by renowned shrine worshiper, John):
6.) The Divine Nose of Judge Morris:
Every Blue Hen knows that this statue of Judge Morris is sacred, but we have it on very good authority that just rubbing his nose isn’t enough. It turns out that Judge Morris is quite the freak, and he’s damn sick of people pulling the same old boring moves on him. Instead, he wants people to boop him with their noses, as demonstrated above. John says that while he didn’t feel any smarter after doing this, booping Judge Morris’ nose did make him feel “some type of way”…better than nothing, right?
5.) The Sacred Goats of CR:
These goats may be made of copper or something, but don’t let that fool you: they’re super cuddly. Just look at their adorable smiles! Giving a hug to these friendly goats is sure to grant you good luck on your finals. John preferred the one on the right because the left one looked “stuck-up” to him, but take your pick. Both goats are equally sacred, and equally likely to help you do better on your exams if you just give them a hug. Just look how much smarter John looks after hugging one of them. You can tell this guy gets A’s.
4.) The Great Fountain of Wisdom:
Super wise and successful kids have a tendency to swim around in this fountain at night, so of course it’s going to be enchanted with some mystical smart-people powers. Our top suggestion is to baptise yourself with this holy water, but if you’re not a certified baptist, you can just offer up some money. John could only sacrifice a dollar because that’s all he has to his name, but that’s the only reason he didn’t feel any smarter after worshiping this shrine. Offer more if you can — this fountain is obviously a gold-digger.
3.) The Book of Knowledge:
This one doesn’t require much explanation. Obviously, worshipping a gigantic book statue is going to bring you success in your academics, we’re surprised nobody has tried it before. Here, John demonstrates the ideal bowing technique. Make sure you get this right down to a T (think Spongebob when he’s teaching Squidward how to blow bubbles), or the finals gods will be very offended.
2.) The Other Book of Knowledge:
Ok, we know we said you wouldn’t have to touch a single textbook, but this ain’t your professor’s textbook. This is basically the finals equivalent of a bible— Judge Morris told us so. It may seem daunting and somewhat questionable, but it’s in your best interest to smash your face into this holy book. Think about it: reading textbooks has never worked out for you in the past, so obviously an alternative method is necessary, and we think we’ve discovered that method. Smashing this book of knowledge against his head definitely had an effect on John.
1.) Field of Holy Grass:
We know what you’re thinking: “isn’t that just the Green, and you guys just needed one more shrine but couldn’t think of anything?” Hell no! Just look how green that grass is. There’s no way that shithead mother nature who’s been giving us winter in April made that happen. The only other logical explanation is that there’s some type of divine force hidden here. John decided to pay his respects to this holy ground by rolling around in it like a dog. After finishing this sacred ritual, he reported feeling “quite invigorated,” so we’d give this shrine an A+, just like you’re going to get on your finals if you follow in his footsteps.
Still feeling hopeless? Probably not. So call your parents and tell them the good news: you’re not failing out of school after all! And if you happen to see John around campus, make sure to kneel down to him as your savior. He sacrificed (his dignity) for your sins.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
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