Despite the famous slogan “dare to be first,” the UD football team has continuously destroyed naïve freshmen hopes of attending a football school by placing last in their division for the past 60,000 years. We didn’t fact check that statement. It doesn’t matter. In order to curb some of that disappointment, we’ve compiled a list of new up-and-coming campus teams worth supporting instead.
6.) Blue Hen Hunters:
This brand new club of hunters focuses on trapping local game on campus and releasing the critters in White Clay. Though well-intentioned, members have already been reprimanded on multiple occasions for “accidentally” trapping and dumping YouDee and Baby Blue miles from campus. The misunderstanding has brought the team to 9 successful captures, which is more than the number of times UD football has sacked the opposing quarterback since ‘nam.
5.) The UD Scissor Catchers:
Finding its beginnings in the lounges of Louis Redding Hall, this death-defying game is the obvious conclusion to honors students having access to sharp objects. Two partners focus on avoiding lacerations while hurling an excessively-loose pair of scissors across obstacles of varying distances. The team boasts more completed passes than any UD football season to date.
4.) Main Street Drag Racers:
Going over 20 miles per hour on Main Street may sound like a paradox, but for this team of drag racers, it’s their only goal. Two Ford F-150s are the only vehicles registered for the team, and members insist that the large confederate flags fixed to the bumper make the trucks both faster and more badass. The team claims to have traveled more yards at higher speeds between Central Perk and NDB than the football team has rushed in their history; and we totally believe them.
3.) Escape Room Artists: Memorial Hall:
The labyrinth of Memorial Hall tests the skills of UD’s most talented escape artists. Members of this team have mastered effective escape routes from the basement to the exit closest to their individual next class. This is considered an impossible feat that most English majors can’t even accomplish, yet these escape artists manage to get around faster than any UD running back.
2.) A Group of People Still Looking for Clowns:
Though clown fever was a campus horror story of the past, one group of students is still dead set on finding the elusive murder clowns rumored to be roaming the streets of Newark last November. Though the existence of the clowns is questionable, it’s no less likely than seeing a championship football game, so why not?
1.) Blue Hen CrossFit:
Look, we’re really still not sure what this is, but we have no doubt that these people could win any event off the seemingly constant adrenaline and protein powder pumping through their CrossFitter veins. Also, we have no fucking clue what a WOD is, but we’re sure it’s more impressive to watch than the homecoming game.
When UD Football lets you down, don’t toss your Blue Hen gear too quickly. Check out some of these teams and clubs guaranteed to be at least marginally more entertaining, and you can once again be proud to call yourself a Blue Hen!