Every UD student has had the privilege of hearing Kirkbride Jesus shout at them to go to Hell. But unfortunately, we doubt any of you actually listen to him, probably because he stands in the worst possible place to convert apathetic non-believers. Kirkbride is too crowded for students who are late to the Smith Starbucks line to stop and waste their time listening to some dude tell them what they already know. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of other areas on campus where Kirkbride Jesus’s mindless shouting might actually convince students to repent:
7.) Like, An Actual Church:
Preaching to still-drunk students stumbling out of their 9 a.m. Friday lectures in Smith is a waste of vocal chords when this guy could clearly just do the exact same thing to people in church, who might actually care about what he’s saying.
We hear it’s nice there this time of year. And outer space is an even larger void to shout in and be ignored…total upgrade from the sidewalk outside Kirkbride.
5.) Behind the Random Unmarked Door in The Basement of Memorial Hall:
If you venture into the basement of Memorial, you’ll find a hallway leading to nothing but a creepy, unmarked door. Here, tucked away from civilization, the vociferations of KBJ will be kept to a low murmur.
4.) City of Newark Sewers:
Since it seems like actual humans aren’t listening, Kirkbride Jesus probably has a better chance of convincing sewer rats that they’re going to hell. Not to mention that it echoes down there, so hopefully it’ll get loud enough so even he can hear his own stupidity.
3.) The Grotto Dumpsters:
Nobody should be inside these dumpsters, and if they are, they deserve to have to listen to the ramblings of a delusional God-fearing psychopath. Otherwise, we’re sure half-eaten pizza crusts and empty beer cans will lend an ear to one of KBJ’s famous rants.
It’s just over the border, and he’d be reaching new and more sinful audiences. Name someone you know from Maryland who doesn’t need Jesus in their lives. We’ll wait.
1.) Literally Anywhere Else:
If you haven’t noticed at this point, nobody really listens to Kirkbride Jesus. In fact, his rants about how we’re all going to burn in hell are getting old (we already knew that!). So, he could probably find a better place to spew word vomit into the abyss than a sidewalk where everyone routinely annoys him and sneaks Snapchat pictures of him behind his back.
These are just a few of the many places that KBJ could stand and successfully convince passersby that they’re going to hell, because Kirkbride clearly isn’t cutting it. Maybe he’ll see this article and take our advice. Or maybe he’ll tell us that we’re going to Hell. We are.