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A 9-Year-Old’s UD Saturday Experience: An Art Collection

We all think we’ve seen everything: hordes of drunk fucks stumbling their way down Main Street, Susan launching projectile chunks off the balcony of Deer Park, two soulmates affectionately consummating their love for one another behind a dumpster. Well, think again, because special guest Timmy Jones, local 9-year-old and art connoisseur, is here to grace us with his version of UD. Take a look at how you guys are presenting yourselves to innocent little children, Blue Hens:

6.) “Picture Day!”:

“College has picture day, too? I got excited, so I tried to get in the picture with them, but they were meanies. They yelled at me because I didn’t know how to say ‘Pee Sig,’ and I wasn’t wearing the right colors, or something. But I’m only nine, and they’re like, a kajillion years old- it wasn’t very nice. But at least I look good in the picture! Look at that smile! I’ll have to tell mommy to order a lot of pictures this year.”

5.) “Bad Kids Going to Detention”:

“My daddy always says college kids are ‘idiots,’ and now I see why. How the heck do they know who the line leader is when they’re walking like that? I’m a great line leader, by the way. Mrs. Smith gives me scented stickers all the time- my favorite is strawberry. Where is Mrs. Smith? If she was here, these guys would be in trouuuubleeee.”

4.) “Orange Juice is Very Good”:

“These girls were laughing really hard while drinking their OJ- I wonder what the funny joke was. I thought it was weird that they were using straws, but I didn’t say anything ‘cause I’m not a bully. I told them I like orange juice too, and they just started giggling some more. I thought I liked orange juice, but man, it’s never made me laugh so much! Maybe I’m a lemonade kinda guy.”

3.) “Super Fun Pizza Party”

“I’ve never seen so many people in one place just for pizza! At my school, the kids who read all of the assigned books by the end of the year get a pizza party- I think that’s what’s happening here. Don’t tell Mrs. Smith, but I still have one more book to read. It’s ok, because there’s still two months left, but I think that she thinks I’m already done. She even brought me up to the front of the class and told everyone how great I was doing, and I just stood there and smiled really big… Anyway, good for these guys!”

2.) “Physical Education”

“I think this girl was on her way to P.E. I love P.E.! Where is gym class around here though? I only see big houses. I wonder what her favorite sport is. I really like kickball. My goal is to kick the ball all the way to the back of the gym one day. I wanted to ask the girl for some tips, but she looked really tired and out of it. I’ll have to ask someone else!”

1.) “Hugging Time”:

“These two were hugging each other really close.  Did the girl drop something? I have no idea why else she was bending over like that. And I don’t know what this boy was thinking. Girls have cooties! I guess they must really like each other to risk getting cooties for each other.”

It doesn’t appear that Timmy is old enough yet to have been scarred by anything he saw at UD this weekend- thank god. In fact, after Timmy sent in his portfolio, he sent The Black Sheep an email about how much fun he had at our college, and how he wants to go to UD when he grows up (oh, Timmy, you sweet summer child). It appears that the drunken idiots of UD are more gracious hosts than anyone could’ve guessed. Go, Blue Hens!


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