It’s an interesting phenomenon: we’ve only been back for one week after Spring break, yet we all want to die— like, a lot more than usual. But what is it about UD and this semester in particular that’s making UD students even more depressed than we already were? Curious for answers, The Black Sheep (TBS) interviewed several people on campus for their opinion to the question, “Is this the worst semester yet?” Here’s what they said:
Sophie Jane, Senior Environmental Studies Major:
Jane: “Why are you even asking? Have you seen the grass on the Green? It’s like, aggressively green, to the point where half the campus’ white privilege probably feels threatened. And don’t even get me started about this fucking dumbass weather. Coming back from break, I thought, ‘Wow, it’s April, I can finally wear my cute shorts!” But no, as always, UD hands Sophie a steaming bag of hot shit.”
Chris Bluntz, Sophomore Undecided Major:
Bluntz: “It’s pretty dogshit. I asked my dealer to add some fruit to my next batch, cause like, healthy lifestyle, but he totally ignored me. This shit doesn’t seem healthy at all.”
TBS then proceeded to spend five minutes explaining to Bluntz how they had asked him about how bad his semester was, not his weed.
Bluntz: “Ohhh. Then yeah, this semester sucks. You know what really pisses me off? The cows on South Campus. They just loaf around with all that free grass around them and, like, not once have they tried smoking it.”
Nicole Foley, Sophomore Pre-Vet Major ft. Fluffy, ProUD Pup:
Foley: “Yeah…I don’t think there’s any coming back from this semester. And like, I’m usually a pretty optimistic person, but I’m being dead serious: I don’t think there’s a way to come back from this.”
Fluffy: [distressed bark]
Michael Calloway, Freshman Nursing Major:
Calloway: “Last week, I passed out on the floor of Grottos, ya know, from exhaustion, and when I woke up in my best friend’s dorm and for whatever reason I couldn’t shake this weird feeling that there’s not actually a human person beneath that Blue Hen costume. Think about it, have you ever seen anyone get out of that costume? This shit has been haunting me ever since. I’m literally on the verge of failing out.”
Susie Sulkin, Junior Mechanical Engineering and Physics Double Major:
Sulkin: “YES, THIS IS A DOGSHIT SEMESTER! I’m so fucking done with everything. What in the hell was I thinking when I chose to do a double major in two fields with some of the most stuck-up, self-righteous people I’ve ever met? Like, look at that fucking fire hydrant sitting in front of ISE Lab.” [points at said hydrant] “Yeah, don’t think I didn’t see you, little bitch. You think you’re better than me, huh? You think you’re sooo cute sitting in front of UD’s flashy new building, don’t you?”
[Note: The interview process was briefly interrupted when TBS had to intervene in order to stop Sulkin from getting into a fist-fight with the smug hydrant. Fortunately, we still had time for one more interviewee.]
Holden Camus, Senior Philosophy Major:
Camus: “Is it the worst semester yet? You tell me.”
TBS: We’re strictly interested in the student’s perspectives.
Camus: “Well, it’s impossible to say for sure, really. We all live in our separate spheres. The thing making one person’s semester the ‘worst’ can be the very thing making another person’s the ‘best,’ and the ‘worst’ to one person might not even be that bad at all to another who has suffered greater past pains.”
TBS: If you had to pick?
Camus: “Oh, then yes. This semester is quite terrible. I’ve been constipated for the last few days because of CR— they have got some really questionable food there.”
It seems that pretty much everyone is in agreement that this is indeed the worst semester yet. The top three causes of this atrociously terrible semester seem to be the super green grass, the fire hydrant with the “shit-eating grin,” and the totally not dank weed. Whether or not most of us, or even any of us, will make it to the end alive is too hard to say at this point, but given the current levels of shittiness, it seems highly unlikely.