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UD Sororities Beat Sh*t Out of Each Other for Greek Week Trophy

 

For this year’s Greek Week, the Bubble Soccer event has been replaced with Ultimate Fighting, and UD sororities Kappa Apple Pi and Delta Gumbo have taken it very seriously. An all out sorority brawl occurred on the Green yesterday afternoon, featuring utterances of phrases like “my washed out sweatshirt looks way more authentic than yours,” “no one believes you’re a natural blonde,” and “you will hook up with anyone after two tequila shots!” Previous to the scuffle, the two sorority presidents were quoted on their feelings about the event:

 

KAP President Sue Kerpunche said “We were thrilled when we saw there was going to be a fighting event this year. We’ve noticed that for some reason girls who rush our sorority typically are the type of girls that would rip out each other’s extensions in the Trabant and Perkins student centers. They just like to resolve things through physical conflict instead of some passive aggressive texts, and honestly I like it better that way.”

 

Delta Gumbo President Kiki Bocksing also had faith in her girls. “We have very high physical standards for our girls. They must be at least 5’4” no more than 12% body fat, and must be able to run a 6-minute mile timed each week at the Little Bob. We are not worried at all about another physical competition.”

 

The Ultimate Fighting event was set to take place on the Green from 3:00-3:30pm. Both teams arrived promptly, and the fighting was quickly initiated. Similar to 18th century battle tactics, both teams formed a fortuitous line and then sprinted toward the opposition.

 

Though they were disappointed that the use of bayonets was strictly prohibited, several Kappa Apple Pi girls were excited to finally break out their muskets. Nancy Ryan Adams, KAP sister said “I haven’t been able to shoot my musket since the summer. I loaded up on ammunition over spring break, and cleaned my gun in the lounge of Rodney last night. I was born for this battle.”

 

At 2:58 pm, after an unfortunate squirrel was plucked off of a tree for target practice, muskets were subsequently banned from this event as well. DG sister Naya Keyes was happy with this ruling “Being able to shoot a gun doesn’t show anything about your physical ability to fight or how good your sorority is.”

 

And so the fight began, though limited to hand to hand combat, Student Health Services was still overrun with casualties. SHS Nurse Sarah Ringe said “this is the bloodiest battle the Green has ever seen. I have been cleaning out scratch wounds and putting ice on black eyes and collecting a jar of fallen out teeth all day. I don’t care who won this stupid fight but I can guarantee no one is going to want to take these girls to formal.”

 

After assessing the damage, both Air Band Chairs have now ordered masks for their performances. DG Dani Singh said “I’m proud of them for being so passionate about the fight, but not proud enough for them to have their ugly, busted faces up there on stage representing our sorority. I got them some animal masks and we’ll just figure out a way to incorporate it into our dance.”

 

Both sororities brought a lot of heart to the fight. Toward the end, the fighting got so ugly it was hard to see their letters through the blood stains. Much to each sorority’s dismay, the referees were unable to determine a victor. The Chapter Assessment Board Chairs are now considering bringing back Bubble Soccer in 2018.

 

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