Some of us Blue Hens have decided to stay in Dirty Del this summer rather than subject ourselves to life at home with our families. Unfortunately for us, there isn’t much to do in Newark after all of the students leave. But one thing will always give you the feeling of being superior is scaring the living shit out of incoming freshmen! Here are some tips for garnering the utmost enjoyment out of staging socially erroneous scenes around the newcomers to really freak them out.
6.) Play Dead in the Middle of The Green:
Simply find a tour group, and proceed to lay face down on the green as the BHA lectures them. This is a great way to introduce the odd personality of the Delaware campus to any fresh high school graduate.
5.) Take a Nice, Relaxing Bubble Bath in the Fountain:
You’ve probably been going stir-crazy in your apartment all summer, so switch things up by taking your daily bath in the fountain. We recommend bringing your own shampoo and loofa. Full nudity is an option, depending on how “Dare to be first™” you’re feeling that day.
4.) Stand Next to Kirkbride Jesus and Repeat Everything He Says, in Layman’s Terms:
Kirkbride Jesus can be a confusing figure to new students, so aim to be as welcoming as possible by politely attempting to translate what he says to those dumb new freshmen. They key here is to talk very slowly so they understand that they actually are probably going to wind up in Hell one day.
3.) Have a Romantic Picnic Lunch With Yourself Atop The Mentor’s Circle Book Statue:
There’s nothing quite like a picnic complete with wine, cheese, and some love poems to really treat yourself to a “me” day. Spice it up by announcing your love for yourself right on top of the book statue, for all to hear, in the middle of whatever dumb sentence the poor, overheated Blue Hen Ambassador is uttering about this useless waste of money.
2.) Infiltrate The Group and Periodically Screech That You See Joe Biden, Right Over There:
This is an even better version of being that “look it’s snowing!” kid in high school. Acclimate the newbies to campus by fooling them about things that really matter, like false Joe Biden sightings. Keep them on their toes by insinuating that he could really be lurking anywhere.
1.) Station Yourself At The UDairy Creamery and Claim to Passerby That the South Campus Cows are “Very Soft and Gentle,” While Maintaining Intense Eye Contact:
Potential students and their parents tend to take trips to the creamery after tours, which is right where you’ll meet them to make sure they know that the south campus cows have a very, very special place in your heart. Be sure to relay your message with the utmost sincerity, as you really want to get the point across.
It’s a step up from going to Deer Park on the weekends and ruining the Townies’ days by simply existing in their atmosphere, and you’re doing your university a service by keeping the weak little pussies who can’t take jokes, out of your school.