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City of Newark Making Strides to Be Less Shitty, Faces Backlash from UD Slumlords

Slumlords everywhere are going nuts because the city of Newark wants to make it so that they can get a warrant to inspect a rental house. This is pretty fucked up because in the past they never really had the rights to enter anyone’s dank student cave, but now they’re trying to force their way in to frat dens all up and down the area and landlords are shitting themselves over it.

We talked to one particular slumlord who will remain unnamed (rhymes with wang). Let’s just say they were none too pleased about the city of Newark trying to make sure students don’t die because there might be some sort of toxic mold in these houses that have beer stains dating back to 1954 underneath their carpets.

“I just don’t see why the city cares about the health of the students?” said a guy who we’re definitely not going to name. “They pay me to give them a place to live, nobody ever said the place had to be clean, or have ‘clear’ water, or be free of deathly black mold. Just a place to live.”

Another slumlord named Bob Smith agreed with Mr. rhymes-with-wang on the issue of rental inspections.

“My houses are great, I’ve never once had any of them inspected in the 45 years I’ve owned them and they’re all still standing just fine,” said Smith. “It’s just a bunch of damn kids and their frat parties in these houses anyway, the city should hate frat kids.”

“Mr. Smith probably didn’t get a bid in college, so that’s why he hates us,” speculated a frat kid who overheard our interview with Smith on the street.

The city doesn’t exactly have the best motives behind their new legislation according to some, so we reached out to city council member Ann Aristotle and were surprised to hear what she had to say.

“Oh absolutely not, we don’t care about the health and safety of the students.” said Aristotle. “We’re strictly doing this so we can slap huge fines on the landlords to raise our own salaries.”

In the game of student housing, The Black Sheep has concluded that there are almost no good people.

“The slumlords are assholes, the city of Newark are a bunch of assholes, and the students are just the giant dildos that have to fill the pockets of those assholes,” said student Nick Borden.

It hasn’t yet been determined if the City of Newark will be awarded the rights to inspect the slumlords’ properties, however it has been reported that they are strongly against the proposition and have been taking their frustrations out on their tenants by passively-aggressively up-charging everyone’s electric bills.

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