It’s 9 a.m. and you’re somehow awake to make your 9:05 a.m. class (maybe not on time, but at this point your professor should be happy you’re there at all). You run out your door, still in your pajamas but ready to conquer the day. Mother Nature even decided to stop PMSing and finally give your pale ass some goddamn sun. But wait…what’s that? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells…smelly. Ah yes, you think to yourself, just what I needed to jumpstart my day: UD’s signature shit smell that somehow wafts its way throughout campus at least once a month.
Ever wondered what the source of that smell is? The Black Sheep’s certified smell-ologists have been working tirelessly to pinpoint the origin of what they’ve officially labeled the “Del Smell,” and they’ve found the answer. It turns out that the toxic shit gas comes out the asses of UD’s very own professors.
“Let me put it in scientific terms,” said smell-ologist Kelly Sniffy as she began to explain the poo-nomenon. “Everytime a professor bullshits a reason for why he’s right or says nothing useful during his entire lecture, farts somehow manage to escape his tight ass as a byproduct of a complicated biological process called “talking out of one’s ass.”
This complex science jargon may be quite difficult to understand, but several anecdotes from students concur with Sniffy’s findings.
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“No wonder Professor Mwerinde looks constipated all the time!” exclaimed another student.
On the other hand, here’s what some professors had to say about this:
“What?” countered a bewildered Professor Wingrave. “I’ve never said in class that something wasn’t important and then decided to put it on the exam. I’ll bet you people haven’t even memorized every single IUPAC name for every single organic compound to have ever existed, fools!” The Del Smell was strong with this one, Black Sheep reporters confirmed.
“I don’t think this makes any sense” added Professor Seraphin. “I simply sit back and let MyMathLab do the teaching and ignore every single email I get because I know, or at least I think, MyMathLab will handle it. What’s the big fuss?”
While the cause of the monthly shitstorm may not have been what anyone expected, let’s all be glad that we now know for a fact that it exudes out of professor’s asses. What’s the next step, you may ask? We’re not 100% sure, but it’s looking like the only solution as of now is to just kill off these professors. Again, we’re not 100% sure. For now, all we are sure of is that everyone owes the cows on South Campus an apology for having falsely accused them of the smell.
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