Recently, one of the most iconic figures on campus, the Kirkbride Jesus, has been missing from his unofficially assigned location in Kirkbride, and has been spotted in various locations on campus including the new Caesar Rodney dining hall; in response, the university has unveiled a new app aimed at tracking him so to provide students with a reliable source of unprovoked aggression and threats of damnation.
“I was so confused when I wasn’t told my sexuality was sending me to an eternity of hellfire on my way in to Smith,” sophomore Kayla Jones stated. “I had to rely on my interactions with my professors alone to get the feeling that I was bound for eternal damnation. It just wasn’t the same.”
Jones wasn’t the only student on campus wondering where the beloved dogmatist was. Several students took to the airwaves of Twitter, Facebook, and Yik Yak to ask about the location of the local Messiah of intolerance. A few students even resulted to watching Fox News and Friends for the same small-minded experience.
Once students caught wind that the preacher had relocated to the new dining and residence hall area, the hashtag #JesusLives began trending and lines of eager and excited students could be spotted in front of Caesar Rodney eagerly waiting for their daily dose of closed-minded views.
In response to the attention garnered on social media, the university created a new app called “Preachr” in hopes of providing students with the exact location of where Kirkbride Jesus will be stationed. The features of the app featured on the university website include:
-Kirkbride Jesus course capture: students can watch any missed Kirkbride Jesus teachings.
-Kirkbride Jesus course search: students can look up upcoming teachings and see whether or not it’ll fit their schedule and if there are any open standing spaces.
-A direct link to the Barnes & Noble website so you can buy or rent pamphlets for the next teaching.
-A swipe and match feature, much similar to popular apps like Tinder and Grindr, where you can swipe left or right for the topic to see if a teaching is right for you
Though the app has yet to go on the market (the university is still trying to find ways to monetize it), many are eager to download it and the university hopes this app will help sustain a constant flow of shaming and judgment.