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5 Desperate Ways to Cut the Line on Rooney’s Pitcher Night


We’ve all been there: it’s a semi-decent Thursday night, and you and your friends are making your approach towards the only relevant destination in Newark on Thursdays. Suddenly, the Ironside siren noise from Kill Bill plays in your head when you notice a hideous line into Rooney’s stretching all the way down Main Street. This is supposed to be the highlight of your otherwise insignificant week, so obviously you’re not going to piss it away waiting in line. Here are some things to do to circumvent that.


5.) Rent YouDee to Put on an Elaborate Courtship Ritual for the Scary Looking Bouncers:
The large, hyper-masculine bouncers at the entrance to Pitcher Night might look kind of intimidating and cold, but deep down, it’s possible that they may have some primal sense of attraction towards other creatures. Regardless of their gender identity or sexual preferences, appeal to their natural instincts by hiring YouDee to perform an elaborate courtship dance in front of them. They won’t be able to resist. Sneak in when they get distracted.


4.) Coordinate a Choir of Every Millennial in Line and Conduct a Riveting Performance of the Fight Song:
It’s not particularly difficult to get white people with a bit of alcohol in their bloodstream to sing in unison; just ask Jefe on any Tuesday night. Distract your pitcher competitors by suddenly belting out the Fight Song a la The Lion King while waiting in line to get into Rooney’s. Before you know it, the dozens of other millennials will take it from there, allowing you to sneak past them.


3.) Dress Up as Techno Bus Driver and Enjoy Being a Newarkian Celebrity:
Seriously, Techno Bus Driver seems to be everywhere at all times per the request of nobody. Yet he and his incredibly extra portable backpack light show seem to appear everywhere around campus, much to the enjoyment of the remaining senior and juniors that still know who he is. Dress up as TBD when you go out this Thursday if you want to be treated like a true celebrity; people will clear the sidewalk for you to get in.


2.) Fake a Terminal Illness and Have Your Dying Wish Be to Go to Pitchers Night One Last Time:
This one is pretty simple. Walk into Christiana Care, tell them you’re dying of a disease, and then they’ll probably call the Make a Wish people or whatever so you can do cool stuff. Since all you want is to get ahead in the Pitchers Night line, you can tell them that, despite being on a literal deathbed, you want to turn up with a $5 pitcher one last time.


1.) Request a Ride from Uber Leroy While Waiting in Line, but Refuse to Identify Yourself When He Pulls Up:
Another local legend, driver Uber Leroy has been sought out by hundreds of drunk students requesting rides despite having no control over who their assigned driver is. Request an Uber from this mysterious man while you wait in line that you don’t actually plan on taking. When Leroy pulls up in tricked out SUV in front of Rooney’s, people will lose their goddamned minds trying to get in one of his rough-looking Instagram photos. The line will probably be a ghost town at that point, which is the perfect chance to sneak in in front of all the Leroy groupies.


Sure, you can try to just cut the line by stopping and talking to a friend ahead of you, but that’s old school shit. Your desperate self always Dares to Be First.


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