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Dirt-Based Eatery Named ‘Dirt’ Opens on Main Street, Becomes Instant Success


Piggybacking on the success of vaguely plant-themed restaurants like Roots, Honeygrow, and Grain, a new restaurant on Main Street simply named “Dirt” that serves strictly dirt-based dishes has become a hit with UD students. The recently opened establishment prides itself on only using ingredients that are locally shoveled, and health-conscious Blue Hens have been digging right in.


“I’ve adopted a diet that consists exclusively of decomposing organic matter and raw minerals,” said UD sophomore Clay Siltberg. “The dining halls aren’t really welcoming for people with nontraditional diets, so I’m really glad that there’s finally a place on Main Street that caters to my lifestyle!”


Dirt features an assembly line style of ordering similar to that of local favorites Chipotle and Snap Custom Pizza. Patrons can choose from a variety of ingredients taken directly from the vast fields of lifeless soil that comprise most of South Campus. Add-ons (they’re extra!) include earthworms, squirrel manure, and stray pop tabs from old cans of Natty Lite. We spoke with Dirt owner Roxanne Stuph to find out what made her go out on a tree limb and open up this unique business.


“For some weird reason, lately UD students really enjoy eating at restaurants that have something to do with plants,” explained Stuph. “As a proud ‘geophage’, or a ‘dirt eater’ for you plebeians, I’m excited to capitalize on this trend and celebrate the yumminess of Delawarean soil through capitalism. And besides, I’ve seen plenty of chicks eat shit while trying to walk home late at night, so it makes sense to open up an establishment where they can basically pay to eat shit.”


The dirt diner has already broken ground with UD’s campus life. Dirt has notably employed a number of guerrilla marketing tactics in order to gain more publicity among students around campus. Employees have been rumored to have entered buildings on the Green late at night and scattered absurd amounts of dirt on the floor in each classroom underneath where students sit. The success of this particular technique is unclear, as the floors are usually filthy to begin with, but students have also taken notice of how the steps to Memorial suddenly turned brown after Dirt’s opening. This drastic color change has been attributed to students bringing to-go bags from Dirt with them to class.


“My favorite thing to get at Dirt is their humus,” explained UD freshman Loess Topsoyle. “No, I don’t mean hummus! I mean the really dark topsoil that forms when animals and plants decay over time. I learned about that in Rocks for Jocks, you know.”


Dirt is now open 7 days a week on Main Street, and offers both catering and delivery to its customers. Its delivery option only operates when it’s not raining outside, however. Dirt claims the rain messes with their food en route to the customer, which can cause great confusion and frustration for students when their food actually gets delivered.


“One time, when it was raining outside, I ordered a Dirrito to be delivered to my dorm,” recounted UD sophomore Mina Rahle. “When I got my food, it was just a messy, damp, inedible mound of reddish-brown slop haphazardly shoved into a to-go container. It was weird, though; I didn’t remember ordering anything from Grotto’s.”





If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you:



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