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Frequent UD Campus-Wide Stench Actually Just Chem-trails Sprayed by President Ass-Anus

 

A recent study of the pervasively noxious odor that often permeates UD’s campus revealed that the source of the stench actually comes from chem-trails sprayed above Newark by none other than President Dennis Ass-Anus himself. While rumors over the years have cited cow manure and mushroom farms as possible culprits, the Delaware State Climatologist’s Office put those rumors to rest when it discovered that UD’s head honcho is actually behind the scent.

 

“Our research has found that the ripe fecal smell that students are lucky enough to enjoy on some mornings is actually the result of President Ass-Anus using his private plane to fly over campus and release fumes over the university,” explained UD Professor of Climatology Dan Leathers. “We are not sure of the President’s motive behind this, but we know that it’s certainly one of the more unique ways one can spread their love around campus.”

 

Students are reportedly furious that the president of their institution has been committing acts of nasal terrorism this whole time. Some are demanding that Ass-Anus step down from his role as UD’s dear leader in light of this discovery; while others have vowed to shoot down his plane if they see it flying overhead. The Black Sheep, however, was keener to finding out why President Ass-Anus goes to such great lengths (and heights) to assault everyone’s nasal passages on the daily, so we reached out to the big guy himself for comment.

 

“Well, most students don’t know it, but one of the duties of a university president is to subtly and consistently exact revenge on their students,” said Ass-Anus. “These chem-trails have been a thing for decades. Personally, I keep the tradition alive because I am so tired of everyone making fun of my last name. By the way… will you stop calling me President Ass-Anus already? Please?”

 

President Ass-Anus still has yet to reveal exactly what god-awful substances must be sprayed over UD in order to make the entire campus smell like a hot colon. Dr. Leathers has postulated that the vapors are just the gaseous manifestation of stress and bad decisions made by Blue Hens. Other researchers believe it’s just the release of an accrual of the president’s farts. Either way, more chemical testing will need to be performed in order to determine what effects on the student population this odor has.

 

“I’m worried that these chemtrails are what’s been constantly making me sick over the past four years,” worried UD senior Mia Smah. “Every time I go to Student Health, they turn me away because they can’t figure out what I have. But that’s also what they do with everyone else, so let’s just say I have mono for now.”

 

Despite his established unpopularity among the student body, as well as the fact that it has been revealed that he is the true culprit behind the Del Smell, President Ass-Anus still believes that spreading the stench is the best course of action when it comes to stopping people from mispronouncing his last name; and fully intends to continue this endeavor for as long as he sees fit.

 

 

Is there actual crack in Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Or is it something else?

 
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