Biden is back! AGAIN! Joe is UD’s proudest alumni, what a guy, right? Senator, Vice President, all-around dope as fuck, everyone loves him. The former VP is giving a speech on campus this year during homecoming week with John Kasich at Mitchell Hall, the Madison Square Garden of UD, and tickets sold out in minutes. The only problem is, it’s homecoming week and we’re not about to stay sober for anyone, even the most esteemed of blue hens. Here are some things you are going to need to remember when you get close to him after spending all morning and afternoon downing $2 slaters, blue hen shots, and rail drinks.
4.) Hold your hand still when taking your selfie:
We all know Uncle Joe is a huge selfie guy. The guy is a 74 year-old stud, he wants as much camera time as possible. You’re going to be shaking because Joe has that effect on everyone, but also the alcohol, so just really focus in because you’re gonna need something to post on your Insta story for the clout. It’s tough to flex on the haters from Thotta Kappa Ho when your photo looks like it was taken with a potato.
3.) Joe will smoke you in a slater race:
It’s well documented that the former VP can slug ‘em. Save yourself the embarrassment and don’t challenge the guy. You might be able to beat Chad and Brad, but VPOTUS is a completely different animal, you don’t get the nickname “Uncle Joe” without slamming a large quantity slaters during your four years at Delaware.
2.) You have to ask before you give him a hug:
Most people here think that just because he went to the same school as them, they have a personal connection with Joe. The only problem is that he has no idea who you are, and neither does the secret service. Contrary to popular belief, those guys around him in black suits and sunglasses aren’t roleplaying Men In Black. They’re a far cry from the socially awkward kids you see on the green LARPing; they’re the real deal. We’re not sure if they’ll shoot you or not, but they’ve definitely got a couple kinds of taser guns, and you don’t want to shit your pants that close to Joe. If you want Biden to give you a hug, just stop at UDairy before the speech to sway him with an ice cream cone, the man loves ice cream.
1.) Joe is very professional:
This is actually a huge lie. Joe’s a chill-ass dude, he knows you’ve been crushing double vodka-Sprites all week. He went to UD, he knows what’s up. Homecoming is the one week in the middle of the semester where everyone pretends like they don’t have 3 exams and 2 papers due by the end of the following week and just drinks their faces off. Joe’s not going to be the one to put a stop to that, and he wouldn’t want you to take it easy just because he’s in town.
Biden is used to people attacking him, but you don’t want to be another statistic. When you get in arms length, think back to this because you’re going to want to control the rush of drunken emotions that takes over.