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Incompetent Elderly Landlord Saved By Aw-Shucks Charm

Despite showing a complete inability to perform even the most basic upkeep tasks, reports indicate that Newark-area landlord Bob Cunningham continues to avoid repercussions thanks to his old-timey sensibility and aw-shucks charm. Cunningham, 82, owns several properties in locations such as Delaware Circle and South Chapel Street. 

“He asked us not to put any of our cars in the driveway so he could put down new gravel, but he didn’t get around to it for two weeks. Then he just dumped a bag of it in one spot,” said junior Rebecca Greene. “At first I was so mad, but when I went up to him to complain and saw him staring wondrously at an iPhone screen all the hate melted away.” 

Sources say that while Cunningham has allowed serious plumbing and structural issues to go unresolved for months at a time, his nearly childlike inability to comprehend seemingly simple facets of the world around him disarms and enchants his tenants.  

“The water was off for three days because he forgot to send the check to the city, but then he told me I reminded him of his son and next thing I know, I’m buying us milkshakes,” recalled senior Jeremiah Favuzza. “I’m not actually sure what happened.” 

Newark Police Chief Dante Coleman shared a “funny, classic Cunningham” story from a few years back. “I was on patrol when I passed by Bob, some blood around his ankles for some reason, standing near a tree line burying something. ‘Hey Bob, what are you up to now?’ And he finished patting down a mound of dirt with his shovel and says ‘Well, what does it look like?’ and we start laughing and laughing and…. Huh. For some reason, that seemed to make more sense at the time. Because now it kind of sounds like, um…

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Coleman said.

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