Junior David Shumen reports that he will be attending UDab this spring break to assist the less fortunate while simultaneously ridding himself of all the not-so-good things he has done the past five and a half semesters. Shumen reportedly “thanks God” because even though he was the “biggest piece of shit this year,” according to friends, every single one of his wrongs is about to be righted by participating in the alternative break.
Shumen will be spending time working with the Grotto’s bouncers in hopes of making them more lenient when it comes to letting in underage students. This volunteer work is crucial to the lives of UD students who are left sad and lonely in their rooms, unable to go out and enjoy drinking with their older friends.
“Thankfully because of UDab, he won’t need to worry about the variety of sins weighing down on his shoulders anymore,” said one of Shumen’s roommates. “The kids an absolute mess but this oughta fix it.”
Shumen has allegedly been a “menace” on campus ever since Freshman year when he joined his fraternity Kappa Delta Rectangle. According to some sources, he has “done just about everything one person can do that would send anyone straight to hell.”
“This one time I saw David yell at Uber Leroy,” one girl recalls. “It was like, the rudest thing I’ve ever seen. How can you be mean to him?!”
Another student says “I let him into Thomas McKean because he said he was going to visit a friend, then I watched him take a few boxes of Mac and Cheese from the community kitchen and leave. That was definitely not his, I don’t know how he even knew it was there but it was cruel.”
When we reached out to Shumen for more information, all he had to say was, “I really just feel like I need to do something good you know? And I can’t go to that church on Main anymore because I puked all over their doorstep a few weekends ago, so this is the next best thing.”
It is believed that Shumen is not the only student who will be participating in UDab with the goal of being forgiven, but, understandably, most students attending reported that they were not willing to expose their true intentions.
Shumen ended his interview with “I’m hyped to be washing the sins of my past away like I washed down all of those bottles of New Amsterdam last semester, I’m pretty proud of that shit though, to be honest.”
We have permission from Shumen to meet with him again after spring break to do a follow up interview in order to see the difference. All of his friends and family will be waiting patiently to witness the miraculous transformation and are “praying that this will actually work.”
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