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Kirkbride Jesus Perceives Empty Campus as Result of Rapture, Redefines Entire Set of Beliefs


After the last remaining students vacated the University of Delaware campus to go home for the summer, infamous UD personality Kirkbride Jesus was left with no one to yell at on the streets as they walk by. The preacher became confused after setting up shop on the corner of South College and East Delaware Avenue. He was met with a few lone townies, instead of the usual groups of students making their way to class, and thought the worst—the Rapture had occurred…without him.


“I got to my usual spot with a kiddie pool full of holy water—I was gonna offer some baptisms today ‘cause it’s so hot out—and that’s when I realized there was no one here! If all those kids I thought were goin’ to hell like I said they would got raptured, then what am I doin’ here?” A confused Mr. Jesus questioned.


He was later spotted at the Barnes and Noble Bookstore on Main Street where patrons reported watching him frantically flip through different versions of the Bible.


“Yeah man, he looked really concerned,” cashier Dana Marks commented. “He started freaking out and yelling about Hell and damnation and usually that’s when we have to give people the ‘you better stop but if you don’t I’m probably not going to do anything about it’ look; but it was the most exciting thing that happened here all day so I just watched and kept my fingers crossed that he’d set the building on fire.”


The next evening, students living on campus for the summer recalled passing an uncharacteristically quiet KBJ standing outside of the academic building after which he had been named.


“He didn’t even try to give us the ‘are you going to hell’ quiz or yell bible verses at us or anything!” reported rising junior Frank Manor. “It was really anticlimactic. My friend is here visiting for the summer and I was really excited to show him Kirkbride Jesus and all of the other quirks that UD has to offer, but it was a total bust. He just stood there staring off into the distance, and when he finally noticed us he asked us if we thought we were in purgatory.”


Others have reported sightings of the former preacher wandering aimlessly through the campus at night and rocking back and forth in the fetal position underneath the Mentor’s Circle book statue. He was most recently spotted sitting cross-legged on the North Green dressed in a tunic.


“Ah yes, I was meditating,” the man formerly known as Kirkbride Jesus explained to reporters. “I have undergone a deep spiritual awakening. After God abandoned me and took all them kids to Heaven with him I decided to switch faiths. It’s been working out pretty well so far! Without all them students around to yell at I can finally hear the voices in my head a lot better.”


Residents of Newark have taken kindly to this new change in the former preacher’s behavior, however some say they will fondly miss being accosted by the man formerly known as Kirkbride Jesus as they travel through campus. Others have started making bets to how he will react to students returning to campus in the fall.



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