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Leaked Emails UD Officials Don’t Want You To See

From: Patrick Harker <>
Date: Tue, Mar 17, 2015 at 5:54 PM
Subject: Code Brown
To: Board of Administration <>


Just took a huge shit in Trabant. Someone tell the custodians we have a code brown lmao.


From: Police Chief <>
Date: Thurs, Mar 10, 2015 at 4:00 PM
Subject: Not Enough Ruined Nights
To: Police Officers <>


Sup Bitches,


First one to arrest 10 kids by the end of the month gets a second handgun.


No more fucking around,



PS. Does anyone know where the bucket of kids’ tears went? I’m running low on lifeforce.


From: Domenico Grasso <>
Date: Tue, Mar 15, 2015 at 10:54 PM
Subject: Can’t I Just Be Called Vice Dean?
To: Board of Administration <>


Does anyone know what I’m supposed to be doing? I got hired as provost, but I have no clue what the fuck that is.


On Mon, Mar 16, 2015 at 3:17 PM, Nancy Brickhouse <> replied:


>>>>>>What he said^^^


From: Fred Green <>
Date: Mon, Feb 28, 2015 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Definitely Build the Data Center
To: Data Center Contractor <>


We could’t believe it, but everyone is in favor of this Data Center. We want you to start building as soon as possible. Spend as much money as you can on it. Don’t worry, we’ll reimburse you.


From: Board of Administrators <>
Date: Mon, Feb 28, 2015 at 2:34 PM
Subject: We’re Definitely Not Building the Data Center
To: Fred Green <>


Yeah, turns out people in the community don’t really want the Data Center to be built. Hope you didn’t tell them to start anything yet.


On Mon, Feb 28, 2015 at 6:17 PM, Fred Green <> replied:


>>>>> So you’re telling me it’s a no-go? Dude, shit, I just told those guys to go ahead with it. Eh whatever, I just took a huge bong rip and I’m too high to send another email.


From: Scott Douglass <>
Date: Sun, Mar 15, 2015 at 10:24 PM
Subject: Budget
To: Patrick Harker <>


I’m not sure if it makes sense to give you 60% of our discretionary budget. We can hire 30 new teachers with that money.


On Mon, Mar 16, 2015 at 3:17 PM, Patrick Harker <> replied:


>>>>> If I hear any more talk like that, I’ll never dress up like Cinderella and let you suck on my big toe again. Your hear me?!


From: Patricia Wilson <>
Date: Fri, Sept 6, 2015 at 11:18 AM
Subject: How Much Do You Want Your Job?
To: Eric Tranby <


Mr. Tranby,


In regards to the accusations regarding what you have done to one of your students, you have put me in a difficult position. That being said, being the chief of staff is lonely. Perhaps if you put me in other positions—and some could be difficult if that’s your style— I’ll let you keep your job. Let me know if you catch my drift 😉


From: Nancy Targett <>
Date: Wed, Mar 18, 2015 at 8:00 PM
Subject: Threesomes Aren’t That Bad
To: Board of Administrators <>


Due to the record high number of applications, it looks like we’re going to have even more forced threesomes next year. I was in a threesome once in college and I found it to be more pleasant than I had expected. Hopefully these students will have similar experiences.


On Wed, Mar 18, 2015 at 10:15 PM, Jeff Garland <> replied all:


>>>>>I think you mean forced triples.


On Wed, Mar 18, 2015 at 11:17 PM, Edna Hayes <> replied all:



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