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New East Delaware Crosswalk Fucking Up Our Lives with One Month of School Left

 It doesn’t take long at UD to figure out that UDPD literally fucking hates all of us. Just take a quick stroll down Main Street and you’ll probably end up with 3 jay-walking warnings and an open container (even if your ‘open container’ is just a canned iced coffee, not a sparkling seltzer…asshole). You’d think that between busting dages and writing 200+ underage drinking citations, there’s no possible way UDPD could find any more ways to ruin our lives.

Shocker: they did.

With exactly one month left of school, the wonderful City of Newark literally took a shit on our faces by introducing the new East Delaware crosswalk, the one separating the Main Street Green from the North Green.

Senior Amanda Stoned was on her way to her 11:15, just minding her business and texting her SexyLadies group chat, when she was forcefully stopped by a police officer. After initially attempting to put up a fight, she finally noticed the crowd gathered on both sides of the crosswalk.

“What the fuck is this?” she said.

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“Change sucks, kid. Hate to break it to ya,” said Officer Succ.

Stoned, outraged that she now had to leave for class a whole 3 minutes earlier, reportedly kept talking shit to the officers and eventually, after enough people had joined in, had instigated a full-blown riot.

But the officers did what they do best and just stood there, bystanders report. After a few minutes, the crosswalk sign changed and the crowd dispersed, leaving behind only a few crosswalk-hating Hens.

“I’m still getting used to the new Main Street crosswalk, and now you want to lay this shit on me?” screamed one student.

“You’ll get used to it,” commented Deputy Dickbag.

But you see Blue Hens, that’s the problem. Why do we have to “get used to it” with only a month left of school? They couldn’t have waited until next semester to make our lives miserable?

If your walk to class, and therefore life, has been negatively impacted by the new East Delaware crosswalk, just know you are not alone. All of UD is hurting because of this monster that has been brought to our campus and separated one Green from another. However, we must use this obstacle to our advantage, stand together (on both sides of the crosswalk), and let UDPD know just how much we fucking hate it. Even if they’ll never do anything about it, we’re sure it’ll piss them off just as much as they pissed us off. 

 

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