Every UD student’s biggest fear isn’t failing an exam or being late to class, it’s getting an underage on the most reckless weekend known to mankind: Saint Patrick’s Day. If you don’t end up with the luck of the Irish this weekend, here are some tips to escape Delaware’s finest and not disappoint your parents.
7.) Plan an escape route through Hot Bagels:
Kill two birds with one stone by sprinting to Hot Bagels to escape handcuffs while also getting a delicious bacon egg and cheese. Odds are they won’t follow you in because Hot Bagels is a safe haven from the terrors of the outside world, and they respect that. Bring them a coffee when you come out as a token of appreciation.
6.) Set up traps like they do in Home Alone because Newark PD is slow and fat:
Listen, we all know they need to lay off the donuts; they’re closer to mall cops than actual police officers. A hop and a skip over a fence could easily deter them, but why not go the extra mile to at least make it entertaining? Set up the classic “can of paint on a string” trick hanging off the frat house roof so you can knock em’ out long enough for your fellow blue hens to run for their lives.
5.) Run to a church on Main and claim that you’re going to pray:
What cop is going to tell you you can’t go practice your religion? Technically St. Patrick’s day is meant to celebrate a saint, so who are they to say you can’t go pay your respects in festive dress? If they give you a hard time, tell them they’re infringing on your religious rights and you’ll sue them. The Father, the son, and the holy leprechaun are important to us all.
4.) Sacrifice that one frat boy you don’t like:
Everyone has one kid that they’re not too keen about, so just let him take the fall for the rest of the party crew. Whoever they are, they’re most likely to be totally gone and won’t even know what’s going on so even if the cops ask him what frat house it is, he’ll probably just vomit on their shoes. Or better yet, blame it on APES, it’s not like they could possibly get into more trouble.
3.) Say you’re an actor with the Chapel Street Players:
You’re simply an actor who came from the North Chapel Playhouse in an attempt to get into character. If you manage to pester them enough with talk of the theater, they’re either going to leave you alone or arrest you for annoying them profusely, but hey, at least it’s not for illegal drinking.
2.) Hide in that weirdass game store, Days Of Knights:
Literally no one, and we mean no one, goes into that store. We forgot it existed and it’s a miracle it’s still open. But it’s probably the best hiding place you can go to because who would suspect you’d be in there? You’d probably make the owners day just by being in there because the foot traffic is nonexistent.
1.) Tell the cops that you’re hunting leprechauns and you’ll let them in on the bounty:
A Delaware cop’s salary is less than what a server at Santa Fe can make in tips when they’re serving $5 margaritas, and we’re talking yearly salary. There’s not a cop on this planet who would turn down the opportunity to make bank simply by not arresting a youth dressed head to toe in green.
This weekend is about to be a full-on mess, but there’s no denying that’s how it is every year. So keep an eye out for green colored vomit and a handful of classic Irish-style drunken fights; the cops can try and stop us, but any reason to dress up, drink, and get wrecked, means that we blue hens are more than ready. Honestly why would we want it any other way?
Need something to help pregame for St. Paddy’s? Try our Vine Power Hour: