In anticipation of formal taking place in Ocean City this coming weekend, the Ocean City City Council has released a list of designated places for UD students to let out the contents of their stomachs. They chose to do this in hopes of avoiding the incidents from previous years of people puking on children, animals and unsuspecting vacationers because “it is fucking disgusting.”
8.) Into the drain:
Maybe instead of puking on the sidewalk where everyone walks, try aiming for the drain on the side on the street. Then, you’ll successfully avoid causing other people to step into your partially digested McDonald’s you could no longer hold down after your fifth tequila shot, then proceeded to draw your fraternities name into with a stick like Kap Sig did last year. Also stop trying to write UD with your pee on everything.
7.) In a passed-out persons room:
The town is fully aware that you will all be staying in the luxurious motels that Ocean City has to offer, and that you will all be heavily intoxicated. To avoid making the entire town smell like vomit and have an easy clean up, we believe it would be smart for you to find your nearest sleeping persons room and puke in there. Then they will believe it was them and will clean it up so they won’t be charged and you will keep this beautiful city clean. Newark smells like mushrooms and vomit, we do not want our town to smell the same.
6.) Onto your plate of food at the restaurant you’re going to for the actual formal:
Once again, if it is indoors, it is not the city’s problem. Try and keep your stomach intact for the walk to whichever restaurant the formal dinner is being held, then once you arrive you may puke on the plates. Sadly this is not Grotto’s so we do not have pitchers available for you to throw up into, only plates. This should also be an easy clean up and will not cause a problem for Ocean City residence and visitors because they will never see it.
5.) Into your friend’s cooler:
Rather than puking onto the sand, aim for an open cooler. This way it can be thrown into the garbage and the stench can be hidden by keeping the cooler shut. This will also keep children from accidentally stepping into someone’s vomit while playing on the beach. The children in OC are scarred from past years of unknowingly wandering into groups of SAE boys and coming out covered in vomit.
4.) Straight into the ocean:
Help feed the fish by wading into the water and throwing up there. Be sure to push it away from the shore though so it does not wash back up onto you, your friends or the families that obviously were blissfully unaware of what this weekend holds. We do not want to listen to another sorority girl scream because she got puke in her hair when trying to go in the water for the twelfth year in a row. We are going to hire bouncers from Deer Park to come down for the weekend to control you all if this keeps happening.
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3.) Maybe a toilet?:
The city decided that we should add this onto the list in case anyone forgot about the varieties of toilets available in Ocean City. Whether it is Higgins Crab Shack or Seacrets, just go into the bathroom and there should be at least one or two toilets that would be wonderful vomit locations. Once again, toilets exist. Even in your motel room. Please look for them. We know you have toilets in Newark, please refrain from acting like they do not exist in Maryland.
2.) A hole in the sand:
If you for some reason or another cannot access a bathroom, an open cooler, or the ocean while on the beach, we advise you to dig a small hole in the sand and let loose into that. Cover it up afterwards with more sand and it is as if you never threw up in the first place. This is not one of your broken down fraternity houses on North Chapel Street, you need to at least be semi-considerate.
1.) Just learn how to hold your liquor:
Maybe, just maybe, UD college students can learn how to hold their liquor down? Ocean City is knowledgeable about how often college students go out drinking so can you at least try to learn how to keep it down in the coming week? We hate you all so much and it is physically painful when you are here. Please stop making us smell throw up for weeks after you all leave. Please.
If students retain the information on this list or not is something only time will tell, but the Ocean City City Council will be waiting patiently with hazmat suits and garbage bags for the mass arrival of students on Friday. Happy Formal!
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