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Perpetual Smell of Feces Lingers Between Drake Hall and Colburn Lab

 

Students, faculty members, and concerned citizens with working noses have became aware of the smell of feces that has reportedly been present around the path between Drake Hall and Colburn lab.

 

Sophomore Jacob Gaines first came in contact with the odor while walking to class. He recalls, “At first I thought, my friend farted, but then I remembered I had no friends. So after ten minutes of self pity, I realized that the smell was actually coming from the area.” Several tweets, phone calls, and death threats were made to the university regarding the smell. Following this community outcry, the smell has been brought to the attention of university officials who promise to get to the bottom of it.

 

The smell, first reported on August 29th and described as almost criminal, is said to be a mixture between “something that died twelve days ago,” “academic failure,” “seething self-hate,” and “the bullshit the school has been feeding its students.” Though, there seems to be a large disagreement between which of these characteristics the smell embodies the most which ignited several dueling hashtags on social media such as #smellslikeafailedchemexam, #smellslikegrandmascorpse, and #smellslikehowmuchihatemyself.

 

Avery Williams, frequenter of the route and ex-emo reported “I recognize the smell. As an avid self-loather, this reeks of my usual antics, but something about this smells a lot like more like academic disappointment.” Another student described the odor a smelling like their gerbil that escaped, died, and was found in the basement closet two weeks later.

 

The smell has got the attention of many concerned parents who threaten to pull their students and money out of the university. Concerned parent Lydia Bentrovsky stated “I am absolutely devastated that my child has to put up with this smell for a fraction of a minute on their walk to class. I mean, I’m not paying $40,000 in tuition just to have my kid put up with this shit.”

 

Alarmed only by the potential loss of money, the university promptly assembled a task force of trained experts to attempt to identify what the smell is to take further steps into neutralizing it. The taskforce consisted of a rat, a bloodhound, a star-nosed mole, and a guy named Steve with a big nose. Although the true source of the smell seems to elude the expert team, the university is confident that within the next couple of weeks, the source of the smell will be discovered. They however indicated no further plans whatsoever to actually eradicate the smell.

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