Freshman Lilac Toselover of the University of Delaware’s Pre-Vet program has just accused the UDairy Creamery of causing her recent diabetes diagnosis. The animal and ice cream lover is known to have frequented the shop during her trips to South Campus for class.
One UDairy worker recounts that Toselover appeared nervous when approaching the creamery. The employee claims that she would walk toward the store, turn around as if she had changed her mind, and then start walking toward the building again, “yelling about how her legs were not listening to her, or something.”
“I know it isn’t my fault, but it sure feels that way,” Lilac explained to reporters from her hospital bed. “Why would UD put a creamery where it’s so accessible? The school clearly cares more about money than the health of its students. How are they gonna make an ‘All Nighter’ flavor and not expect me to get it every time that I have to study?!”
“This isn’t the first time that UDairy has tried to kill its students,” said sophomore nutrition major, James Jeffery. “Once, I asked for two scoops of Ton-A-Toffee, but the worker accidentally gave me three. I almost cried!”
In an effort to address the allegations about the “University of Diabetes,” President Assanis quickly reminded everyone about the school’s strict stance on diversity.
“This school grossly underrepresents those who suffer from diabetes. A majority of students at UD are healthy. How can we even claim that we care about diversity when nearly 97% of blue hens are non-diabetics? With all of us working together, we can get that number down to an equal 50%.”
It is rumored that the Toselover family is planning to sue UDairy for the mishap. For now, the family is petitioning to shut down UDairy for being a “permanent beacon of emotional distress.” As for Lilac, when she is not receiving treatment for her diabetes, she can be found at South campus, yelling at the cows for letting UDairy do this to her.
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