Eagerly anticipating the chance to mold a new generation of students into mindless Leftist soldiers, Maoist college professors across the country say they are ready for another year of indoctrination, sources confirm.
“It’s important to be strong and firm right off the bat,” said University of Delaware professor Mark Winston. “I always take the first class as an opportunity to make it very, very clear to my students that God is dead and if they think otherwise, they will never pass Income Tax Accounting.”
Studies show that while students enter college with naïve and often amusing beliefs in religion, liberty, and the existence of Ronald Reagan, educators like Wanda Farkes are successful in disabusing them of such thoughts. “Sometimes students come in thinking that America has done any good in this world,” said the tenured English professor. “My final exam consists entirely of having every student burn an American flag. I’ve never had to fail a student.”
According to reports, institutes of higher education employ a variety of tactics to impose their will on the gentle souls that walk onto their campuses. For Ramon Salazar, philosophy professor and community organizer, this means reaching them outside the classroom as well.
“The kids always respond positively to the big 9/11 party I throw at my house that I share with my transgender, illegal immigrant roommates,” he said. “At the end we play Pictionary, but the only answer is ‘Chickens Coming Home to Roost.’ Everyone is a winner! That’s because in the perfect Marxist society, it is illegal for people to be different in any way.”
Salazar confirmed that the efforts of college professors reap tangible benefits. “Past students still write me sometimes. One sent me a copy of the Communist Manifesto inscribed with ‘I made my lesbian wife get an abortion the other day. Thanks for all you’ve taught me.’” Salazar wiped a tear away and continued, “It’s moments like these that remind me why I got into indoctrinating.”
Sources indicate that not all educators use such velvet-gloved approaches. For professors like Winston, the tougher, the better.
“If a student uses the word ‘exceptional,’ it’s an F. If a student uses the words ‘good’ and ‘America’ in the same paper, it’s an F. If a student is white, it’s an F,” Winston explained. “Every year I have only one goal: to make a cis white male kill himself.”
Differences in indoctrination methods have been a bone of contention among the Leftist vanguard in recent years, new reports say. One recent example has been a change to the famous ‘Evolution of Man’ diagram, making it now culminate in notable pinko and liberal messiah Barack Obama. “It used to be Marx at the end, but you’ve got to keep up with the students, you know?” said Farkes. “Don’t want to seem like an old fart. Because we teach that old people are all useless racists who deserve to be executed en masse.”
Salazar remembers another division “about eight or nine” years ago. “There was talk that we were going to replace all of our courses with Womyn’s Studies classes,” he said. “I’m not sure why we didn’t do it, actually. I’ll have to bring it up at the annual Saul Alinsky Memorial Professors Conference. It’s in North Korea this year!
“Of course, it’s always in North Korea.”