Rachel Coppola’s constant career emails have UD seniors scared shitless. Not a single senior has a shred of an idea what they want to do after graduation, and Coppola’s constant reminders about what they should do with their lives is “really taking a toll on them, mentally,” according to a UD psychology professor.
“I was just taking a dump last night and it popped up out of nowhere,” said Senior Bryce Benson. “I immediately hopped off the toilet and cried myself to sleep because Rachel Coppola reminded me that I have no future.”
Benson’s story has been mimicked by seniors all over campus. Even when they think they are in the safest place possible, they’re subject to email attacks from Rachel Coppola.
“I had a panic attack last night,” said 5th year senior Shannon Sczymanski. “I was just minding my own business, scrolling through my Instagram timeline when I got a career services email notification. I thought I was having a heart attack because I saw my future, and there’s no career in it.”
There’s no explanation for the stranglehold Coppola has on the senior class. The Black Sheep currently cannot determine a motive for this level of abuse. Coppola is “power hungry” and “able to control the emotions of any senior student at any time,” said senior Rebecca Smith, cowering in fear under a Brew Ha Ha table.
“I just feel like I’m in an episode of Black Mirror,” said distraught senior Christine Walowitz. “They’re in my head and whenever I start to feel a sense of accomplishment, I get an email from Rachel Coppola and then I remember that my resume is shit, and I’ve accomplished nothing.”
We reached out to Coppola but her only response was a mass email about another career fair.
We also reached out to the career services center and they just asked if we’ve thought about life after college yet. We haven’t, but thanks for that.
Students have begun to protest the lack of an “unsubscribe” button on mass emails from Rachel Coppola.
“There’s no way to make it stop,” cried protester Sean Cormier. “We as students here should not be subject to this sort of mental abuse!”
Students are being encouraged to take action against this mistreatment. A sit-in is being held in the lobby of the Career Services Center. We would tell you the address, but, like the rest of you, we don’t actually know where the Career Services Center is because fuck that place.
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