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Recent UD Graduate Experiences the Joys of Unemployment


Recent University of Delaware graduate, Jacob White, disembarked the stage on May 28th and effectively transitioned from promising-student-with-a-bright-future to underwhelming-unemployed-regular-person.


This past month, the post grad has spent his time experiencing the wonders of a jobless life, most of which include: standing on the side of the road offering work to anyone who doesn’t perceive him as homeless, and attempting to conceal the fact that he still lives at his parents’ house to underage girls he meets at Grotto’s.


“It feels amazing,” White revealed to reporters. “My one friend moved away and started this full-time position at his father’s company where he doesn’t even get to day drink anymore, but I get to do it every day now! While he’s off making money or whatever, I get to sit outside on the porch sometimes and watch people pass by when they walk their dogs. I think those kinds of personal connections [with the dog-walkers] are more important than any amount of money I could make at some dumb office that I’m too good to work at anyway.”


Not only has White enjoyed the perks of increased amounts of free time, but he has also discovered the advantages of possessing little to no money. The former geology major is reportedly living off of his parents’ income and could not be any happier about the situation.


He was last seen at the Barnes and Noble bookstore on Main Street “leaping gleefully up and down the aisles and cheering ‘NO MORE SHIT TEXTBOOKS FOR ME, ASS-SUCKERS!’” according to an employee.


“He doesn’t cost us as much as you might think,” reported White’s mother, Susan. “All I really do is pay for the necessities, you know? He gets food and shelter and in return, he’ll bring home girls from the bars on Main and take them up to his room so [Mr. White] and I can vicariously re-live our youth through him. It’s a fair trade, I think.”


When the newly titled UD alumnus isn’t spending his time drinking and not making money, sources say that he has recently begun making efforts to search for a career. One friend reported that he made an appointment with the unemployment office of Newark and then promptly left the meeting once it was made clear to him that he was not interviewing for a position within the office, but allowing them to help him find a different job instead.


“I explained to them that the only career that I was passionate about was unemployment, man! That’s why I wanted to work with them, but they wouldn’t let me. I thought I had it in the bag, you know? I thought I was so good at this unemployment stuff, jeez…” a frustrated White commented about the incident.


While the future of Jacob White is still unclear, the twenty-three year-old remains optimistic about his current, work-free situation. His physician reports that his physical health is the best it’s been in White’s entire life due to the decreased stress levels that resulted from his unemployment, and urges White to continue along the path that he is on concerning work.


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