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Report: Your Future Soul Mate Is Ugly

Breaking news reveals that your soul mate, the special someone you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, is as beautiful as you could ever imagine, but only on the inside. 


The report shows that ever since you two saw each other at that party, looked in each other’s eyes, and thought to yourself, “I can do so much better,” you were destined to be together.


With a wonderful sense of humor, an ability to understand you better than yourself, and a very asymmetrical face, sources confirm this person has been waiting their whole life to meet you, as well as to grow into their weird gangly arms.


Your mother comments, “I’m so happy my little muffin found the one. I’m not really sure if that’s the one, though. Are you sure you can’t do any better? I don’t want my baby to settle.”


Your ugly soul mate, with whom you will create even uglier babies, will sweep you off your feet on you first few dates, during which you will generally avoid eye contact and look away whenever they make that wincing face when they laugh. You will also spend countless hours throughout your life staring into their eyes, when you won’t be able to avoid noticing the just-too-heavy amount of hair growing between their eyebrows, but will not say anything because the last time you did it did not end well.


Your closest friends will reportedly be very happy for you when you two fall in love over the summer, even though four months earlier, when you will tell them that you are interested in your future one and only, they will ask, “Are you sure about this?” Before you go on your first date, they will inquire as to how you’re handling your last breakup and if this is how you really want to rebound. 


This person cares about you. They will hold you when you cry and cuddle with you when you do not want to go outside. They do not judge you for your mistakes and they have no unrealistic expectations. They will make you happier than you have every been and there will be times when you think to yourself that meeting them is one of the best things to ever happen to you. They also don’t really have a chin.


You will meet up with an old friend. They will ask about your new love. You will show them a picture. Their smile will immediately fade. 


You two will spend countless hours together. You will become intimate, which will be difficult at first because they use a lot of teeth when making out. A lot. You will start to do weird stuff. You will lick whipped cream off their back, which will abruptly end when a little bit of back-acne gets in your mouth. They will fart during sex, every time, yet still understand your body like no one else, and you will learn every lumpy curve and disproportionate bone of theirs.  


Your soul mate has all the love you could want, as well as a very wide yet flat butt. When you get married, sources say all your family members will ask you, “Who is it? Them? Really, that one?” It will mark the start of a happy life together, throughout much of which they will still have acne.

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