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Snap and Roots Raise Prices, UD Campus Experiences Collective Mental Breakdown

 UD’s campus is currently going through complete and total shutdown due to both Snap Pizza and Roots raising their prices by an entire dollar. Broke college students who typically use their last $8 to buy Roots bowls are no longer able to do so due to this change, and are unsurprisingly not taking well to the news.

“I literally live at Roots. It basically runs through my veins, how am I supposed to keep myself alive without it?” said one student. “Do they think I can cook my own healthy meals or something? Because I can’t.”

There have been reports of riots up and down Main Street since the news broke. Angry students who are sick of only eating Mexican food now that their two main go-to’s are too far out of their price range made up a majority of the mobs.

Another student said, “If the line was too long at Snap, I’d go to Roots. If the line was too long for Roots, I’d go to Snap. And now I just wander Main Street aimlessly because nothing will satisfy my palate like The Apollo bowl or the Farmers Market pizza can.”

Along with the riots, many students have chosen to set up camp outside of each restaurant in silent protest in an attempt to make their feelings heard. Many have also made the decision to cease going to class because they feel they must “keep pushing forward”.

“I’ve been having nightmarish dreams about Snap. I used to be able to saunter in with my remaining $7.50 and still get a pizza with no problem. But not anymore, now I just stand there with my face pressed up against the glass wondering if I’ll ever experience its delicious crust ever again,” one student said with tears in her eyes. “I thought they valued me as a customer but apparently not.”

The owners of both Snap and Roots put out public apologies in the form of paper taped to their doors that read “Sorry 4 hurting ur feelings 🙁 Not our fault ur broke!”

The empty stares of the UD population can be seen as students wander around the green aimlessly looking for remaining bits and pieces of their once sacred homes. Some TA’s can also be seen amongst the crowd looking for that one thing that would save them from the hell of grading papers in Smith Hall for 200 ungrateful students.

“Campus is hurting,” reported the President of UD, Dennis Assanis. “But now I have both places completely to myself. Don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me chowing down on my El Jefe bowl. Maybe I’ll get the Sweet n’ Slow pizza afterwards, just because I can.”

UD is in full fledged breakdown, the school is unstable, please someone come help us before we collapse. We can’t last without it much longer.


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