I’m warning you guys, you better stop buying all the Black Panther tickets at the Main Street Movies for tomorrow. If you don’t, I’ll personally come after you. I have $9 left to my name and you better believe that I’m spending seven of it to see Black Panther at The Main Street Movies in the Newark Shopping Center, and if it’s fucking sold out I’ll die.
You think I’m kidding? It’s my last $9. So while you’re busy buying your discount tickets two weeks in advance to see this epic film on a Tuesday night, stop and think about the people like me. The people who just spent almost every last cent they owned on corn dogs. I’m serious, my apartment is full of them. My landlord is going to kill me, he’s going to kill me dead, and my last pleasure left in this life is to see this beautiful, sweet, sexy movie, and I’m begging you to save some room for me to purchase a discount ticket.
I’m a student too, you know. I go to UD. I suffer just like the rest of you. I know it’s a bunch of UD students, I know you’re the culprits, stealing my prime seating at the Main Street Movie theater.
I can’t remember the name of my landlord, but I think it rhymes with “wang.” Anyway, he’s going to kill me when he finds all these corn dogs because he’s already shut off my internet and overcharged my rent and has just been all-around terrible at providing basic services. So that’s why I need to take refuge at the Black Panther showing on Tuesday night. Stop buying those tickets, I beg of you.
Please, this is my final plea. Please stop buying tickets to see Black Panther at The Main Street Movies tomorrow. I wanna see it.