After spending winter session on campus an excited UD freshman, Quentin Tipton, was finally going to have physical contact with another real life human being as he feverishly made his away over to Laurel Hall. He needed a throat swab when he started showing symptoms of that virus everyone gets around the 2nd week of the spring semester.
“The UD Plague,” as it’s more commonly known, affects 99% of new and returning students each semester. Tipton’s symptoms reportedly reflected those of a modest cold, but the minute he came down with the slightest case of the sniffles, he sprinted over to Student Health Services so that he could be examined by a nurse practitioner under the premise that he would “get a piece of that cotton swab ass.”
“Did I spend Valentine’s Day with someone special, you ask?” boasted Tipton after having not been asked. “Absolutely, man. This nurse was, like, totally into me. We played doctor, if you catch my drift. It was hotter than the foreheads of all of the miserable people in the Student Health waiting room.”
Strep throat cultures are relatively common procedures performed by Student Health Services during the spring semester, which provide diseased Blue Hens with next-day results as to whether or not their tonsils are infested with bacteria.
Most people only seek help from nurse practitioners in Laurel as a last resort given how distant the building is from the relevant parts of campus. Tipton, however, looked forward to reaching his sexual zenith for 2017 after patiently sitting in the Walk-In Clinic waiting room for 45 minutes with everyone else. We caught up with the nurse who examined him for more insight.
“I’ve heard through the grapevine that one of the patients I examined the other day has been going around campus and bragging to people about how he ‘got that nut’ with one of the ladies at Student Health Services, that lady being me,” explained SHS nurse practitioner, Becky Teria.
“I’m not sure what it means to ‘get that nut,’ but his appointment consisted of him walking into the examination room with a condom in hand, requesting I ‘fuck his uvula shit up,’ and then me taking a simple strep throat swab per his request. His test came back negative for strep since he didn’t even have tonsils to get infected, but whatever. I get paid regardless.”
After his appointment, Tipton reportedly pillaged the Harrington P.O.D. and bought every pack of Q-Tips in stock, telling the cashier “you never know when you might need one of these.”
The freshman also went out of his way to thank his slightly congested roommate in Redding Hall, Colton Schwabb, from whom he contracted the cold for “playing wingman” and “being a total bro, bro.” Schwabb reportedly laughed before sexiling Tipton for the umpteenth time in order to perform his own throat swab of sorts.
“I mean, like, I guess I’m happy for Quentin for finally getting what he perceives to be some action, even if it’s kinda weird,” explained Schwabb. “He never seemed to have any success with the Lady Hens around campus. Honestly, I always thought he was abstinent by choice. Although… not necessarily by his choice.”
We are wishing Quentin a speedy recovery for his mental, physical, and sexual health.