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Top 10: Things That Happened While You Were Away

Did you know that Newark continues through time and space while you’re home for the summer? Here’s a quick summary of all the things that happened while you bummed away at your old minimum-wage job from high school.

 

10.) The gym got rid of their sleeve rule: The reason for the most hated rule at UD was never clear. Was it for sanitary reasons? Armpit sweat IS more deadly than face sweat, we read somewhere. Who knows, it’s gone; let those pits fly free! 

 

9.) The power plant was cancelled: Sure, this was during the end of last year, but some people missed the memo. UD decided it didn’t want the data center anymore, so it indirectly decided against the power plant. Sweet, sweet incidental victory!

 

8.) Little-to-no line at NDB: We got a bagel. Quickly. We didn’t have to call in early. Pure bliss was a five-minute wait away.

 

7.) Tour guides are now required to wear polos when giving tours: As if it were hard to spot a tour, UD Admissions declared that it wants “uniformity” and quietly asked for all the guides’ shirt sizes. Now, it’ll be so much easier to spot who to blame for the clogged sidewalk. 

 

6.) Insomnia Cookies are COMING: The almost-24/7 cookie store is settling in where the old Newark Newsstand used to be. Hopefully you pass it on the way to the gym so you can prove to yourself just how dedicated you really are to your new fit lifestyle.

 

5.) More homeless musicians moved into town: There was always that one guy in front of the post office. Now there’s a group of younger teens in the park across from where IHOP used to be (RIP). Our editor said it may just be a band of hipsters, but the cup asking for money — and not donations — indicates otherwise. 

 

4.) An undergraduate research symposium happened: The largest gathering of the school’s overachievers worked with the Summer Scholars program and presented their findings in one mecca-nerd fest. Topics ranged from ways to detect anorexia from one’s phone to how to turn poop into bio-degradable plastic. Now is a good time to doubt the cleanliness of your plastic silverware, dorm-dwellers. 

 

3.) Mystery construction: Something large is happening outside Purnell in the “Colonnade.” Our theory is that one part of campus must always be under construction, and Purnell, with lots of classes, will inconvenience the most students while showing that UD is expanding and improving. 

 

2.) UD admitted the largest student class ever: Ever loved freshmen so much you wanted even MORE of them? Your wish was granted as 4,000+ new students are expected in the fall. And remember seniors, they may be legal, but they’re still three years younger than you. Jesus, it’s like sleeping with your baby sister.

 

1.) A relatively quiet reveal of a complete and total pervert: A graduate student was found recording and taking pictures of females in UD bathrooms for the past two years. He hid the cameras in tampon disposals, proving once and for all that no — no one ever does clean out those boxes. UD masterfully released this information in its signature clean-up-after-the-scandal, one-UDaily-article, and one-comment-from-Harker tone: quietly.

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