He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s going to find out you’re a disgrace to life… Unless you lived in a convent in 2016, there’s a very high chance you did something stupid to land you a spot on the Naughty List, like cheating on an exam in a giant lecture hall like Smith, or taking more than two pieces of hand fruit from Pencader. Here are the top 10 UD personalities that Santa won’t be giving presents to this year.
10.) PROUD Pups:
It’s impossible to concentrate in class when there are adorable balls of fluff snoozing in the ISE lab and running up and down the green. We blame the dogs for our failure of CHEM332, especially when their owners dress them up in ridiculously cute hats and vests during holidays.
9.) The Main Street Developer:
Santa doesn’t eat Mexican food, so why do new chains pop up on Main Street every six months? The only reason why Insomnia hasn’t shut down yet is because he has some inside ties in the cookie industry.
8.) The University Bookstore:
Nobody wants a gift card to a bookstore for Christmas, yet grandparents and distant uncles seem to think that $25 at Barnes & Noble will cover all your textbooks for the semester. Santa is partial to the holiday lattes, though. He blames the café pastries for his bulging stomach.
7.) The Shuttle Bus System:
A disgrace to transportation. The reindeer are much more reliable and could get you to your destination in half the time. There is no reason for a bus to disappear on the live map in front of our eyes (unless it is a Harry Potter Knight Bus, in which case Santa will take it off the list).
6.) Honors Freshmen:
No one gives a hoot that you graduated high school with a 6.9 GPA and got a letter of recommendation from Obama. If you’re an asshole, you’re on the Naughty List. Santa is reluctant to shimmy down the chimney into a stuck-up household like yours.
5.) UDairy Creamery:
This place is the real reason why the UD freshman 15 exists. Santa gets a fresh pint delivered to the North Pole every damn day. He claims it helps him maintain his “jolly” physique.
4.) Shushers on the Third Floor of Morris Library:
We get it, you like studying in an environment quieter than death itself. But we need to breathe once in a while, you know? You were the kids that would wake up the second you thought you heard jingle bells and hooves on your roof, preventing your parents from having a chance to put presents under the tree.
A phony in a foam costume. We want a real blue hen at our football games. Better yet, how about a reindeer with a very shiny nose? (Some would even say it glows).
2.) Kirkbride Jesus:
Stop yelling at us to repent from our sins. Our entire life is a sin. In college, we are always sinning. For some people, Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birth. You, sir, are not getting any gifts at your birthday party.
1.) UD Secure Wifi:
There’s nothing secure about losing connection all the time, no matter where you are on campus. We hope someone dumps a sack of coal on the routers to rid it once and for all.
An honorable mention goes to the entire UD student body. We’re all greasy schmucks just trying to scam our way through college. Maybe after graduation there will be hope to be on the Nice List.