We all make mistakes. Especially when we answer those 2:38 a.m. “wyd” texts. Thankfully, a new year is approaching, offering us all a chance to start fresh and learn from those past mistakes; and leave them behind in the Grotto’s dumpsters where they belong. Here are some unfortunate UD hookups that we’d rather leave in 2016.
It happened after a football game. You know it was bad, because you had to have been hammered to willingly enter the stadium. YouDee’s beak kept poking you in the eye, and little sister Baby Blue was watching the whole time, so it’s probably best to forget it ever happened and never attend another sporting event again.
6.) President Dennis Ass-Anus:
Contrary to what his name may imply, the university president was most decidedly not into butt stuff like you assumed he would be. Now things are just awkward, and when you receive his school-wide emails, it’s all you can think about.
5.) That Weird Guy From Kate’s Who Likes to Eat Dirt Outside:
You met him at Klondike Kate’s in the beginning of the semester, and he took you outside to show you something cool. When he started eating dirt right off the red brick sidewalk, you were immediately turned on and went straight back to his place to bone. That phase of your life is over now though, because 2017 is going to be the year that you don’t need no man to eat dirt with you.
4.) Your TA Who You Blew in Kirkbride:
What? It was a tough semester. Maybe this spring it’ll be handies in Smith, instead.
3.) That Freshman Who Lives in George Read:
He told you he was a sophomore and that he lived above Ski Bum. He isn’t and he doesn’t, and he looks like a thumb. And he sang Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley in its entirety when he climaxed. It might be best to just black this one out forever.
2.) A Trabant Cashier:
The fluorescent lights glinting off of her polyester vest, your semester-long dry-streak, and the smell of day old Chick-Fil-A was just enough to get you to flirt with Gladyss a little harder than usual that one day. After a night of pure ecstasy and romance, she ghosted you and now you have to go to Perkins for the rest of the year.
1.) The Morris Statue in The Library:
After a 37-hour study binge fueled solely by Red Bull and saltines this past finals week, no one could blame you for mistaking the Morris statue in the entrance of the library for that boyfriend who doesn’t exist that you once had a dream about. Either way, you were escorted out and asked not to come back unless you promised to keep your pants on next time.
Whether it was one of these people or some other dirty person, nothing can help black out those mistakes better than ringing in a new year and covering up the memories of those past hookups with more, even worse hookups that you look forward to leaving in 2017.