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Trabant, Perkins, Smith Starbucks to Obtain Liquor Licenses After Certain Online Newspaper Whined About It

Recently, The Black Sheep posted an article calling for 8 places around campus to obtain liquor licenses for the benefit of UD students. Trabant and Perkins Student Centers, along with the Starbucks in Smith Hall, have announced that they will be serving alcoholic beverages in order to “get everyone to shut the fuck up about it.”

Some professors have opposed the situation, claiming easy access to alcohol on campus could cause “disruptions in class,” but President Ass-anus has remained firm on his decision to pursue liquor licenses for these campus locations.

“Being ranked the number 6 party school in the country is a huge honor. Now it is my duty, the duty of the rest of the faculty, and the duty of the students here at University of Delaware to uphold that ranking and push for new heights. The additional drinking that will come out of this will certainly help us in that aspect,” he explained.

“This is huge news,” said sophomore Sam Styles. “I’ve been waiting for the day I can start my buzz in class— big for pre-gaming.”

Senior and Deer Park regular Jim Jameson sees the pre-game value as well.

“It’ll be nice to add some fireball to my Venti Iced Mocha from Starbucks, and now I can pregame Jefe in my 5-8 class on Tuesdays. The university is doing a really good thing for students here.”

It is unclear how the Smith Starbucks in particular will deal with the uptick in business the addition of alcohol will surely bring their location. As all students know, it takes no less than 45 minutes to get a drink as it is. However, Manager Lacey Lawrence is confident in her staff.

“We know people say we take a long time, and we know we make students late for class all the time, but that’s something we are working on here,” said Lawrence. “We’ve considered opening up a second register and adding a few more employees to make drinks, but that seemed too logical and convenient, so we’re currently exploring other options to deal with the additional business.”

Nonetheless, the Smith Starbucks, Trabant, and Perkins will all certainly need to make adjustments to these changes—but spirits are flying high around campus.


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