Due to lack of profits, stores on Main Street including the 5 and Dime, Lieberman’s, and Barnes & Noble have announced plans to begin selling other school’s merchandise to boost sales.
Lieberman’s owner, Harold Joseph, states that “a lot of people come into our store wearing Penn State and Temple gear and look at our shit, sigh, then leave. People have even been avoiding the textbooks with UD labels on them; they’re more interested in the ones written by professors who teach at other colleges. Weird, right?”
Apparently, the blue and gold here at UD is just getting old for students. Many stores on Main Street have announced that they will now be selling Penn State’s blue and white, Temple’s white and cherry, and even, Towson’s black and gold apparel to students. “Sometimes I like to dress up in Towson sweats, Penn State socks, and Alabama football jerseys so I can practice and prepare for my monthly identity crisis,” commented senior Allen Arnold.
“Since UD stuff apparently isn’t enough for these kids, we gotta find a way to keep our business afloat. Most of ‘em like buying other colleges’ merchandise to seem hip, cool and apathetic about UD; but I like to think that after they break in the clothes by wearing them around campus all day they probably stuff them with straw and create burning effigies out of ‘em for fun. At least that’s what I do,” Explained Barnes & Noble Manager Martha Ackerman.
George Wilkins, both a UD alum and a townie, was pleased to hear about the new products available on Main Street. “I’ve always hated that the only type of onesie that they sell at the 5 and Dime for babies are UD ones. My son looks horrible in royal blue! Why can’t I buy a Penn State one, even though I have no relation to that school whatsoever? Navy blue compliments my baby’s curves so well!”
Even members of Greek life at UD have come out to voice their excitement over the product extensions. “Like, I’m super hype that they’re going to be selling school merch that isn’t that ugly royal blue or that stupid paste-y yellow. My ex-boyfriend goes to Temple and, like, since he’s my ex and all I can’t really steal his super nice colored hoodies. I miss that a lot… like… a lot… So, like… now I can buy them here!” Commented Kappa Fappa Kappa sorority member Jennifer Blakewood through tears and sniffles.
While Lieberman’s, the 5 and Dime, and Barnes & Noble are just three of the businesses that have admitted to going through with this plan, other businesses on Main Street have also voiced their concerns about the lack of school spirit among students. Some bars are considering adding Towson Tiger and Penn State Nittany Lion shots to their menus in addition to Blue Hen Shots, and clothing stores like Grassroots and Heart and Home are rumored to have been receiving shipments of apparel from the other schools. While spirit may be low here at UD, at least locally run businesses are making a profit off of students’ apathy.
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